American Misery For Sale

[Mike621]

Here is my ad, exactly as I posted it on Craigslist a few moments ago:


"

Ladies and Gents; Here is a great opportunity to own your very own example of one of the quintessential staples of white-trash America!

LET ME TAKE A MOMENT TO APOLOGIZE THAT THIS ADVERT WILL NOT BE IN THE TRUE AMERICAN E-TRADITION OF 48 POINT FONT COMIC SANS MS AND BRIGHT RED TEXT AND LOLZ


This charming green hulk of American misery is sure to squeak, shake, and rattle its way into your heart, wallet, and your tall grass on your front lawn. Yes, indeed this fine example of the work of under-privileged American artisans can be yours for the low price of only 600 American dollars (Cash Please. No foreign checks, western unions, or your mother-in law (I doubt she is very marketable these days!)<p>


Currently, this truck runs, drives, and (EVENTUALLY) stops. Before you ask, the brakes are allegedly new, but only to the sub-par, late-80s-i-don't-need-to-stop-and-this-will-just-run-over-your-shiny-Subaru-standard) The oil has just been changed by a reputable firm, and thanks to a healthy set of leaks, it is continually changing itself. (You may want to purchase some shares in oil companies when you acquire this gem. I can include )

The only two worry-free items on this car are, of course, imported. Only the finest Chinese windshield glass has been installed on this sloppy-utility-vehicle along with a set of Bosch Icon wiper blades which could possibly be worth more than this entire automobile.

<p>My (soon to be former) manager though it proper to bestow onto me such a vehicle as "temporary transportation" while my other car was in the paint shop, and shrugged at my protests that a rocker panel should exist beyond expanding foam and spray paint, that a radiator cannot survive on JB weld, and that this behemoth guzzles not only gasoline, but small mammals, hand-turkeys, Asian children, and of course shattered hopes and dreams .

Perhaps the only worthwhile bonus to this vehicle is the fact that the four wheel drive works, so once you don your trucker cap and pull back your late-80s greasebomb hair, you can pick up your cousin and take her to your favorite backwoods spot for some quality time.

I will include a medium size brown paper bag, which can be effectively utilized to mask the driver's identity in the rare event that the driver may have some sense of dignity and self-respect. This bag can also double as a mask for your aforementioned cousin to mask her identity so that you can concentrate on the physical aspect, and not the lack of morality or disembowelment of codes of ethics or local ordinances on cousin to cousin relations.


Condition:

There is only one condition; If you agree to purchase this vehicle, you will remove it from my property promptly and I will never see, or hear from either you or this car EVER again. I don't want nasty emails, claims of broken promises of the details of the vehicle. I also would appreciate if you could stop to pick up any parts that may fall off as your drive this vehicle away.<p>

This vehicle is sold as is. Please come and get it. Make me an offer."


http://southjersey.craigslist.org/cto/1390029770.html

[SilverSpear]

Mike!!! Buwahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa that sh!t is so funny I nearly pissed in my pants! ahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Man are you a writer or something?

[Mike621]

Originally Posted by SilverSpear

Mike!!! Buwahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa that sh!t is so funny I nearly pissed in my pants! ahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Man are you a writer or something?

Thanks Danny.

I figured that a few people here could appreciate it.

Unfortunately, I am but a mere paper-pusher/office manager. I do enjoy a creative impulse to write here and there though, and blog occasionally.

[subeman90]

ooooh an Eddie Baur edition. That makes it worth atleast $50 more.

[Crazy_pilot]

This has gratuitous win.

I'm curious how many unhappy e-mails your going to get from rednecks though.

[subeman90]

if you have one of those stickers on the back that you put on all your vehicles please take a pic of the redneck as they drive away with the sticker on the vehicle.

if you get nasty emails please post them up. I'd love to read them.

[immortal_suby]

what is a hand turkey?

[Green1995SVX]

Originally Posted by immortal_suby

what is a hand turkey?

[redlightningsvx]

I remember making those damn things back in elementary school.

[svxistentialist]

Originally Posted by Mike621

Here is my ad, exactly as I posted it on Craigslist a few moments ago:


"

Ladies and Gents; Here is a great opportunity to own your very own example of one of the quintessential staples of white-trash America!

LET ME TAKE A MOMENT TO APOLOGIZE THAT THIS ADVERT WILL NOT BE IN THE TRUE AMERICAN E-TRADITION OF 48 POINT FONT COMIC SANS MS AND BRIGHT RED TEXT AND LOLZ


This charming green hulk of American misery is sure to squeak, shake, and rattle its way into your heart, wallet, and your tall grass on your front lawn. Yes, indeed this fine example of the work of under-privileged American artisans can be yours for the low price of only 600 American dollars (Cash Please. No foreign checks, western unions, or your mother-in law (I doubt she is very marketable these days!)<p>


Currently, this truck runs, drives, and (EVENTUALLY) stops. Before you ask, the brakes are allegedly new, but only to the sub-par, late-80s-i-don't-need-to-stop-and-this-will-just-run-over-your-shiny-Subaru-standard) The oil has just been changed by a reputable firm, and thanks to a healthy set of leaks, it is continually changing itself. (You may want to purchase some shares in oil companies when you acquire this gem. I can include )

The only two worry-free items on this car are, of course, imported. Only the finest Chinese windshield glass has been installed on this sloppy-utility-vehicle along with a set of Bosch Icon wiper blades which could possibly be worth more than this entire automobile.

<p>My (soon to be former) manager though it proper to bestow onto me such a vehicle as "temporary transportation" while my other car was in the paint shop, and shrugged at my protests that a rocker panel should exist beyond expanding foam and spray paint, that a radiator cannot survive on JB weld, and that this behemoth guzzles not only gasoline, but small mammals, hand-turkeys, Asian children, and of course shattered hopes and dreams .

Perhaps the only worthwhile bonus to this vehicle is the fact that the four wheel drive works, so once you don your trucker cap and pull back your late-80s greasebomb hair, you can pick up your cousin and take her to your favorite backwoods spot for some quality time.

I will include a medium size brown paper bag, which can be effectively utilized to mask the driver's identity in the rare event that the driver may have some sense of dignity and self-respect. This bag can also double as a mask for your aforementioned cousin to mask her identity so that you can concentrate on the physical aspect, and not the lack of morality or disembowelment of codes of ethics or local ordinances on cousin to cousin relations.


Condition:

There is only one condition; If you agree to purchase this vehicle, you will remove it from my property promptly and I will never see, or hear from either you or this car EVER again. I don't want nasty emails, claims of broken promises of the details of the vehicle. I also would appreciate if you could stop to pick up any parts that may fall off as your drive this vehicle away.<p>

This vehicle is sold as is. Please come and get it. Make me an offer."


http://southjersey.craigslist.org/cto/1390029770.html

Looks a nice truck Mike. They should be climbing all over you for that.

And, where exactly did you take your Sales Training course? I'd just be interested to know, for future reference.

Joe

[ShiuludeSVX]

oooooeeeee

Lots of offers coming from Virginia all the way to Georgia I think.

I can just see Lewis Black doing a commercial for this one.

[Mike621]

Responses:

"Your 91 Ford Explorer/ EXPLODER America's #1 Clunker! - $600 (West Creek NJ)
I came across in my hometown of southjersey
jumped out at me. My story is the same as others in this bad economic era, so you may be familiar.



I needed to sell my most beloved possessions to pay our house note earlier this year. But the worst was when I had to post for sale my kids' ipod.

I've never felt so horrible in my entire life...and like such a failure. It was distressing and made me feel ashamed. My kids were mature about it, but I had to do something. So I begged my best pal to show me what he was doing since he now makes as much in a few hours as most folks do all week right from his home office .

Here's his site : http://linkbee.com/DC7AJ Anyways, I'm so glad I'm sharing this with everyone who may need my help in these hard times. It'll be worth the few moments it takes to skim this information.

I hope it's useful to you.

Best Wishes. "


Response:

Dear "garrett Schwisow",

Firstly, I was not aware "southjersey" collaborated together to create a super-conglomerate municipality. I was told by my local public television programming that you learn something new everyday.
I would entertain the idea of hearing more about your friend's pyramid "get rich quick/stop being an embarrassment to my family" scheme. I will be sure to forward the balance of unused funds from your shipper once I receive your "trust fund of america" check from the foreign Prince Ashlamabahsamiridontgivearatsassandillscameverysin glecladeventhepersonalsandgags.

I look forward to your prompt reply.

Michael Esbafkloldontwastemytimeftmfw


PS: Dare I say, the sale of one of your kin would not only yield immediate financial benefit, but each week when it comes time to pick their world clean of their possessions, it will be much easier without them there.

Just saying.

EDIT: The email came back as undeliverable. Big shocker there.

[Mike621]

"justin otterholt
to sale-edjrn-139.

show details 5:48 PM (22 hours ago)

Dude, that **** was hilarious!

Funniest ad ive ever seen on CL. Good stuff.

this message was remailed to you via: sale-edjrn-1390029770@craigslist.org
Reply: Michael Milan to justin

show details 4:13 PM (0 minutes ago)

Thank you.

Seriously... want it? PLEASE?!

-Mike"

[Mike621]

"this message was remailed to you via: sale-edjrn-1390029770@craigslist.org

Good day,
I am interested in buying the item so please let me know the last price you want the item to go for,i look forward to read from you
soonest.
Regards..
Daniel "


Reply:

"The last price would naturally be my selling price. Ill tell you what, if you save the money you wasted on printing your fake checks, you could seriously think about saddling up in a classy automobile such as this one I'm offering.

Just saying."

[Mike621]

Another spam email, with some slight changes.


"I located the 91 Explorer Eddie Bauer 159k 4x4 Works! - $600 (West Creek NJ) you had for sale in southjersey, and I, too had been doing the same thing exactly since our economy took a bad turn.. About 2 months ago, it's horrible, but I needed to sell my child's laptop to survive and it was absolutely the toughest time in my life. To say that it was painful could not even escribe it clearly. but I had no choice except to make the house payment or we would be living with my in laws (I was already 2 months behind).


Thank the Lord that will be the last time I'll have to hurt my family like that.

One of my good buddies showed me how he's able to earn great income on the computer. I couldn't believe he'd share this at all , but I am truly so glad that I am sharing this with everyone who needs financial help and who might be in the same situation


Thank heavens it's easy or I would not have been able to figure it out, not to mention this has been the most financially set I've ever felt before. I promise you will find this informationworth the 60 seconds it will take you to look it over.

Oh, and there's the link: http://www.yahoo11785matt.com

Take great care, and Bless You."


Reply:

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