Chuck Norrisisms

[Ricochet]

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse....a horse is hung like Chuck Norris

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

[AppStateSVX]

haha, I've seen a lot of those going around lately. I love em though, thanks for the laugh

[Ricochet]

These are great

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

[AppStateSVX]

Chuck Norris is just pure Badass. Anyone remember Delta Force? haha

[SubaSteevo]

Chuck Norris facts
Vin Diesel facts
Mr. T facts

Many of those on your list were stolen from the Vin Diesel facts, but there's a bunch more that are great.

This one is one of my favorites:
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.