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  #1  
Old 12-08-2004, 04:32 PM
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svxcess svxcess is offline
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Incredibly bad word puns

In this merriest of seasons, I give you these to smile (or groan) over


1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

5. Control: A short, ugly inmate.

6. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

8. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

10. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

11. Misty: How golfers create divots.

12. Paradox: Two physicians.

13. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

15. Polarize: What penguins see with.

16. Primate: Removing your spouse from in. front of the TV.

17. Relief: What trees do in the spring.

18. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

19. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

20. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

21. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

22. Subdued: Like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!


And, in the spirit of peace, here is a little known fact about this man:

Mahatma Gandhi, as we know, walked barefoot. This action produced a huge set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath as well. This made him ... what?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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JFICX8659TH100216.....Date of Manufacture: November 16, 1995.....
Fuji Heavy Industries..Ōta North Plant....Ōta City,. Gunma Prefecture, Japan

In-Service Date: January 2, 1997



"The Pristine Green Polo Machine”
First Polo Green on the Network
First Clear front turn signals, JDM Alcyone hood emblem, rear panel, and BOXER engine cover on the Network (US) (2000)
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HID lighting (5000K) for headlight and H3 fog lights, PIAA SuperExtreme 120W high beams, rebuilt EG33 longblock, Cometic head gaskets, Phase II flexplate, AMR aluminum radiator with custom silicone hoses, 160A high-output alternator in aluminum-ceramic coated case, new design alternator wiring upgrade v.4, rare factory headlight protectors, refinished JDM BBS mesh aluminum wheels and custom, polished billet aluminum new hex center caps, LED grille mod, R1 Concepts high-carbon cryo slotted rotors, Akebono ceramic pads, Goodridge S/S braided brake lines, Smallcar Stage 1 shift kit, ThermalTech aluminum/ceramic-coated valve covers, Energy Suspension urethane front & rear swaybar bushings, Bontrager22 rear swaybar with QS Components Chromoly Teflon/Kevlar endlinks, "$15.00/5 minute" suspension mod. Hella Supertone horns, Custom stainless steel exhaust system with 2" headpipes, Magnaflow cats, AeroTurbine AR25 resonator /AWD "Bullet" muffler.


R.I.P. 2010 Subaru Outback Limited 2.5 CVT...338,000 miles. Totaled by a 1,300 lb. COW March 4, 2016

2014 Hyundai Avante Limited ...178,000 miles. Actually quieter and smoother than the Outback

2007 Mazda Miata MX-5 PRHT...102,000 miles.
Plenty of parts, service and windshields.


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My NEW locker..I...My Email..I..Wikipedia/SVX .

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Last edited by svxcess; 12-08-2004 at 04:35 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-08-2004, 04:51 PM
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Landshark Landshark is offline
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  #3  
Old 12-08-2004, 06:37 PM
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NikFu S. NikFu S. is offline
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  #4  
Old 12-08-2004, 06:54 PM
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Chiketkd Chiketkd is offline
Row faster...I hear banjos!!!!
 
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That was funny John! I'll need to send those to my wife...

-Chike
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  #5  
Old 12-09-2004, 12:06 AM
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Matthewmongan Matthewmongan is offline
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19. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

my mother was a seamstress. and her job was to ulter dresses to fat women could fit in them. so it is an occupational desription as well as the seam-stress pun.
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  #6  
Old 12-09-2004, 08:58 AM
LarryIII LarryIII is offline
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Here are some 'daffynitions:'

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


These are from the Washington Post.
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  #7  
Old 12-09-2004, 01:09 PM
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Matthewmongan Matthewmongan is offline
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16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

i loughed at that one. topical humer
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  #8  
Old 12-09-2004, 01:40 PM
A Fake Vision
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Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist

omg that is some funny stuff man..
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  #9  
Old 12-09-2004, 02:21 PM
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HOTEL- I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.

FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORCLOSE.

CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.

PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said, "Here, PENIS."

ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said, "Man, that looks fake." He said, "No, ISRAEL.."

UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

STAIN- My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.

INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather
choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree
of independence still available under present circumstances.
-- Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18 1954
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  #10  
Old 12-09-2004, 06:41 PM
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UberRoo UberRoo is offline
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Daffynitions:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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  #11  
Old 12-11-2004, 09:18 AM
red95svx
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I went fishing the other day....just for the halibut. Thank you I'll be here all week!





Dave
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