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  #16  
Old 11-14-2005, 12:53 PM
Bipa
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OH!... those were great! Hadn't seen a few of those, and I love the Canadian aspect... keep 'em coming, please!
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  #17  
Old 11-18-2005, 04:12 AM
Bipa
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Bush To-Do List

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  #18  
Old 12-16-2005, 01:46 AM
Bipa
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How the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree

One year Santa was having a really bad Christmas. The elves weren't finished the toys, the reindeer weren't ready to fly... when in walks the angel, dragging a Christmas Tree.

The angel asked Santa Claus,"Where do you want me to put this?"......

......And it's been there ever since!
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  #19  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:31 AM
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Andy Andy is offline
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Top 10 Reasons for being American



1. You can have a woman president without electing her

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

3. You can call Budweiser beer

4. You can be a crook and still be president

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all
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Andy

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If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather
choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree
of independence still available under present circumstances.
-- Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18 1954
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  #20  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:05 AM
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Andy Andy is offline
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Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....well on the 8th day, God and the angle Gabriel were looking down on the world and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy in fact that today I will create the best land in the world and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies...I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans...I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy..I will let them experience all 4 seasons and I will populate this land with all different types of people...nothing but the kindest, gentlest most caring people in the world...and they shall be known as Canadians...These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all..they will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile..and this whole time Gabriel has become quite worried so finally he says.."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?"...God looks upon Gabriel and smiles...then says "Don't worry Gabriel....wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them!"
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Andy

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If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather
choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree
of independence still available under present circumstances.
-- Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18 1954
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  #21  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:16 AM
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Andy Andy is offline
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Two Canadians boarded an airplane. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an American got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Canadians.. The American kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Canadian in the window seat said," I think I’ll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the American, "I’ll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Canadians picked up the American’s shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned with the drink, the other Canadian said, "That looks good, I think I’ll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Canadian picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The American returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew instantly what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between countries? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?"
__________________
Andy

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather
choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree
of independence still available under present circumstances.
-- Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18 1954
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  #22  
Old 01-22-2006, 01:51 PM
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Andy Andy is offline
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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make
conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and
spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string
theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says ... real slowly... "So............... ya......
gonna....... vote... for..... Bush .... again???"
__________________
Andy

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather
choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree
of independence still available under present circumstances.
-- Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18 1954
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  #23  
Old 03-09-2006, 09:39 PM
Bipa
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Does Honesty Really Sell?

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!
--------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
--------------------
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat..been out a while.. better be a reward.
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COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
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GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
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NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
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(AND THE LAST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last month. Husband knows everything.
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  #24  
Old 03-22-2006, 02:58 AM
Phil Hill Phil Hill is offline
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Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posts: 364
Bad Canadian joke.........

Three Canadians are walking along a beach, an Albertan, a Newfie and a Qubecer, when they chance apon a lamp. They pick up the lamp and give it a rub. Sure enough out pops a Genie, and the Genie is prepared to offer each one a wish.

The Newfie goes first, and says "For generations my family have fished the waters off the beautiful coast of Newfoundland, it's been hard for us, but we've always survived. My greatest wish is that for generations to come the fish will be plentiful so my decendants will always be fed."

<Poof> and the Genie grants the Newfie's wish.

Next up is the Qubecer, and he says "For generations my family have struggled in the fight for an independant state of Qubec, free from the tirany of a government which doesn't understand our position and the need for us to be independant. My greatest wish is for my family and future generations of all true Qubecers to be free of this opression, so I would like a wall around Qubec, 100ft tall and 60ft wide to encircle Qubec.

<Poof> and the Genie grants the Qubecer's wish

Finally it's the turn of the Albertan, and he says "This wall round Qubec, it is watertight right ??"
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Only the depth varies..............
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  #25  
Old 03-22-2006, 04:06 PM
Bipa
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LOL! Yeah... variations of that one have been around for a while, but it still tickled my funny bone for some strange reason.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
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