Canada Jokes & Humour

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and
also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from Toronto... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

[nordique14]

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to
invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "Dis is Archie,
up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland. Canada, eh?
"I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you,
eh!"

" Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself,
me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in
my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon
boats, a trawler with radar and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, tha t I have 6,000 tanks
and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to
one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to
ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you
Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can
feed two million prisoners."

I'd try to comment but I'm laughing too much

An Australian interviews Americans on the next possible invasion...

http://loosers.hn.org/www/wwiiol/waronterror.wmv

[Earthworm]

Haha, good one!

[Chiketkd]

I can't believe no one commented on how screwed up the map was...

-Chike

[Earthworm]

That's what was so funny!

"I didn't realise how much bigger North Korea is than South Korea"

[Chiketkd]

Originally Posted by Earthworm

"I didn't realise how much bigger North Korea is than South Korea"

I know. That totally floored me.

Kinda scary/sad to think how 'ignorant' some people really are - and yet they hold such 'strong' views on major issues...

-Chike

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Same Australian guy interviewing Americans, different questions

http://www.youtube.com/?v=JOUALvjfLI0

And another interview brought to you by our friend

broadband (larger size): http://abc.net.au/cnnnn/video/ep07_stupidyankees.ram
dial up 56k (smaller) : http://abc.net.au/cnnnn/video/ep07_stupidyankees_lo.ram

[Noir]

here ya go vera:

http://www.devilducky.com/media/37934/

[Andy]

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander.) He went to
the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would
make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have
to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of
the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's
brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the
patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry,
but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidently cut out 2/3 of your
brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

[Andy]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all
three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were
about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well,"
said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful
light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates
of heaven.
St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said
that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course pulled
out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back
here." "Thats's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to
the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the
Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

[Andy]

An American, a Moroccan, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The American orders a glass of whisky; when he's finished drinking it, he pulls out a pistol, throws the glass in the air, and shoots it. He sets the pistol down on the table and looks around. Everyone in the bar is speechless. The American sniggers and says, "In my country we have so much money that we can buy new glasses any time we want. One more or less doesn't matter." Now the Moroccan orders a whisky; when he's finished, he takes the pistol off the table, throws the glass in the air, and shoots it. Then he says, "In my country, we have so much sand that we can make new glasses any time we want. One more or less doesn't matter." He sets the pistol back down on the table. Finally the Canadian orders a whisky; after he's finished drinking it, he picks up the pistol and shoots the American. Then he says, "In my country, we have so many Americans that one more or less doesn't matter."

[Andy]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

[Andy]

A British doctor says: The medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can remove the brain of a man, put it in another man and make him
get a job in six weeks.

A German doctor says: That is nothing. We can remove the brain of a
person, put it in another one and prepare him for war in four weeks.

An American doctor, not to be surpassed, says: Friends, both of
you are outdated. Recently we identified a man without a brain from Texas
and placed him in the White House. Now we have half the country looking
for a job and the other half preparing for war!