So, yeah...I think my life is over...

[Darksied-X]

Jesse, Jen, Earl, and everyone, thanks. I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by subafreak

...and I WILL see you at Tri-state RIGHT?

You're damn skippy you will! Regardless of what happens from here on out, I'll be there. I need a day to just getaway and enjoy myself, I haven't had that in a while.

Jen, sorry to hear your in the same boat as me. And don't worry about feeling better at my expense. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel a bit better, too. Speaking of the meet, if you do make it up for it, I'd be up for grabbin' a bite to eat with you after if you want, give us both a chance to talk to someone that's in the same position, but won't judge you over it. That's the reason I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to personally about it, I feel like everyone is on her side.

[SVXRide]

Originally Posted by Darksied-X

Jesse, Jen, Earl, and everyone, thanks. I really appreciate it.

You're damn skippy you will! Regardless of what happens from here on out, I'll be there. I need a day to just getaway and enjoy myself, I haven't had that in a while.

Jen, sorry to hear your in the same boat as me. And don't worry about feeling better at my expense. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel a bit better, too. Speaking of the meet, if you do make it up for it, I'd be up for grabbin' a bite to eat with you after if you want, give us both a chance to talk to someone that's in the same position, but won't judge you over it. That's the reason I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to personally about it, I feel like everyone is on her side.

Jeff,
Sorry to be coming into this thread a little late...thought I'd offer up a few things (I'm in Jesse's camp as in having gone through rough time with my wife and working them out)
1. Talking is one thing, listening is another...are you both really listening to what the other person is saying?
2. Try writing down your feelings in the form of a letter to one another and exchanging the letters (sometimes writing takes the emotional aspect out and also allows each of you the time to "digest" what the other person is trying to say)
3. What is it that both of you value most in your lives and how do these values match up? Where they match up defines the path you share together

Other suggestions if you'd like...just PM me

Hang in there and be prepared to work hard!

-Bill (yes, I do this type of work when I'm not a Rocket Scientist )

[n00b on demand]

if you need to talk send me a PM and you can call me if ya want....im usually good at this kinda stuff

[Landshark]

Originally Posted by SVXRide

Jeff,
Sorry to be coming into this thread a little late...thought I'd offer up a few things (I'm in Jesse's camp as in having gone through rough time with my wife and working them out)
1. Talking is one thing, listening is another...are you both really listening to what the other person is saying?
2. Try writing down your feelings in the form of a letter to one another and exchanging the letters (sometimes writing takes the emotional aspect out and also allows each of you the time to "digest" what the other person is trying to say)
3. What is it that both of you value most in your lives and how do these values match up? Where they match up defines the path you share together

Other suggestions if you'd like...just PM me

Hang in there and be prepared to work hard!

-Bill (yes, I do this type of work when I'm not a Rocket Scientist )

excellent advice. hope everything works out for you, Jeff.

[Matthewmongan]

my god people can be jerks. sometimes you just want to suck into a hole and become a hermit, but we cant do that and one of the things that seperate us from the other animals is our complex relationships. i find that things that are complex oftin break and can be hard to fix (analogy works for both relationships and cars)

she needs to be able to commit (and be happy) with herself before she can comitt to a relationship. it sounds to me like a mid life crisis. if she doesnt fully love you than she isnt the right person for you. yes it is selfish for her to commit to a monogomus relationship without being able to say"this is the man i want to die married to".

i have got the "i dont know if a relationship is right for me at this point in my life" line 2 times before. it sucks but after a week im able to look at it and say i love this woman and want her to be happy. if shes not happy with me i have to let her go. its not fun but sometimes life isnt. if i were you id stop thinking about the future or the past and just take it a day at a time. i know its hard to do but thier is no use being upset about things you cant change. thinking about what tomarrow will bring can be overwhelming and we cant change the things we have done, we live in the now and our minds work best on the now.

[Matthewmongan]

what i really hate is when the girl that i like goes for the jerk guy that doesnt really care about her. that has nothing to do with this but it still isses me off. nice guys really do finish last.

[Rotorflyr]

EJ,
I know things suck right now and your hurting over this, but be strong for the kids. They are a great place to focus your love and attention right now. If your lady wants a seperation, then let her be the one to leave, she wanted this not you and let her be the one to tell the kids. You will need to be there for them when she does, so don't imerse youself in a bottle (as much as you may want to)
If you can't convince her to go see a councilor it doesn't mean you cant go see someone on your own, lean on people here if need be as well, don't keep things bottled up, but don't let yourself go off the deep end either. Be strong, things will get better if you want/let them, it just take a little time.

Oh and for god sakes, stop listening to Journey!

[Beav]

Just tell her that if she eventually decides she wants to come back to call first, you'll need to decide whether or not you want her back. Two way street. Prolonging the inevitable is just prolonging how you feel right now. Yeah, it sucks - chin up, move forward. Go through life with self-love and graciousness. Don't worry about how or what you can do to get her back, let her worry about how she's going to get you back.

So suck it up, don't become a wussy-boy. Once you start down the wussy-boy path you're going to be miserable for a heckuva long time, and once you come out of it you'll want to kick your own butt.

I feel for ya but that doesn't mean I support your wallowing.

[SHISVX]

i don't have children and i am not married, but coming from a nasty divorce family i know from the child's point of view.

keep it friendly as best you can. you children hear the conversations and the angry aftermath (ie complaints from arguement still going on). see your kids as much as possible. don't spoil them when you have them. just be there for them. don't lie or sugarcoat anything. i was 8 when my parents started their spats, 12 when he booked, and i last talked to him at 15. good ridens he is the definition of a$$hole (i could tell you stories, but this is more you)

i can't give you any advice on the wife situation. i have heard the i need space speech from one boyfriend and he called me the next day in tears telling me how much he missed me and how wrong his decision was. maybe that will happen to you. but don't expect it too. take things slow and just be open and honest with her. tell her how things are making you feel. find out what is wrong all the way from the bottom. maybe somethings need to change for it to work. if you are willing to do it, try it.

just don't get yourself sick about it (including drinking) you need to be there for your kids because they are hurting too. i know how hard that is, my mom went through it

you can pm me if you need to talk

Kelli

[Darksied-X]

Thank you, everyone. I'm in surprisingly good spirts right now, thanks to your kind words, sound advice, and anticipation of the Tri-State meet.

As for all the offers for a shoulder to cry on via PM, while I do truly appreciate the offers, I kinda like letting it out here, it's kinda like group therapy.

Originally Posted by SVXRide

Jeff,
Sorry to be coming into this thread a little late...thought I'd offer up a few things (I'm in Jesse's camp as in having gone through rough time with my wife and working them out)
1. Talking is one thing, listening is another...are you both really listening to what the other person is saying?
2. Try writing down your feelings in the form of a letter to one another and exchanging the letters (sometimes writing takes the emotional aspect out and also allows each of you the time to "digest" what the other person is trying to say)
3. What is it that both of you value most in your lives and how do these values match up? Where they match up defines the path you share together

Other suggestions if you'd like...just PM me

Hang in there and be prepared to work hard!

-Bill (yes, I do this type of work when I'm not a Rocket Scientist )

Bill, sorry to hear you've had problems with your wife, but I'm glad to hear that your working them out.

1. I think both talking and listening are problems my wife has. She's always had trouble expressing herself, and I really don't think she has taken the things I've said to heart. I on the other hand, express myself too much if anything, and not always in a productive fashion, unfortunately. However, I can honestly say that not only have I listened to her, but I have taken her comments to heart and used them to make myself a better person. But this also seems to have had little effect on her.

2. This is an excellent idea that I had not even considered. I think it will help me express myself in a calmer and more productive manor, and at the same time hopefully help her understand my situation and feelings better.

3. For me, it's my family, my girls and her. But for, I don't know, possibly because she doesn't know, or, like I said, just can't express herself to me.

PS: I'm gonna see you at Tri-State too, right?

Originally Posted by Matthewmongan

...it sounds to me like a mid life crisis.

That's exactly what I think as well.

Originally Posted by Rotorflyr

EJ,
I know things suck right now and your hurting over this, but be strong for the kids. They are a great place to focus your love and attention right now. If your lady wants a seperation, then let her be the one to leave, she wanted this not you and let her be the one to tell the kids. You will need to be there for them when she does, so don't imerse youself in a bottle (as much as you may want to)
If you can't convince her to go see a councilor it doesn't mean you cant go see someone on your own, lean on people here if need be as well, don't keep things bottled up, but don't let yourself go off the deep end either. Be strong, things will get better if you want/let them, it just take a little time.

Oh and for god sakes, stop listening to Journey!

My kids are my world, they mean more to me than anything. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have been gone long before now. And they are exactly where I have been focusing my love as of late, which is the main reason I've even come this far. But don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much, and want to make this work for more than just my children.

As for her leaving, that simply isn't possible for other reasons. But, regardless of our problems with each other, I can't says a bad parent. A little irresponsible at times yes, but still a good, loving mother.

Originally Posted by Beav

Just tell her that if she eventually decides she wants to come back to call first, you'll need to decide whether or not you want her back. Two way street. Prolonging the inevitable is just prolonging how you feel right now. Yeah, it sucks - chin up, move forward. Go through life with self-love and graciousness. Don't worry about how or what you can do to get her back, let her worry about how she's going to get you back.

So suck it up, don't become a wussy-boy. Once you start down the wussy-boy path you're going to be miserable for a heckuva long time, and once you come out of it you'll want to kick your own butt.

I feel for ya but that doesn't mean I support your wallowing.

Beav, I've told her from the first time is she goes through with this, that I will probably do just that, try move on and pick up that pieces of my life the best I can. But the other side of that coin is that I've been in pain over this for so long, whats a few more weeks for her to try to find herself really going to hurt me? Especially since I'm not ready to move on, I still love her and still want to be with her.

As for wallowing in my pity, I really don't think I'm doing that. Nor am I posting this to try to get everyone else's pity. I just have a lot of emotions that I don't know how to handle right now, and I just wanted some good friends to talk to about it, and hopefully get some sounds advice from, which is exactly what I've gotten. I really don't have that in "the real world".

Originally Posted by SHISVX

i don't have children and i am not married, but coming from a nasty divorce family i know from the child's point of view.

keep it friendly as best you can. you children hear the conversations and the angry aftermath (ie complaints from arguement still going on). see your kids as much as possible. don't spoil them when you have them. just be there for them. don't lie or sugarcoat anything. i was 8 when my parents started their spats, 12 when he booked, and i last talked to him at 15. good ridens he is the definition of a$$hole (i could tell you stories, but this is more you)

i can't give you any advice on the wife situation. i have heard the i need space speech from one boyfriend and he called me the next day in tears telling me how much he missed me and how wrong his decision was. maybe that will happen to you. but don't expect it too. take things slow and just be open and honest with her. tell her how things are making you feel. find out what is wrong all the way from the bottom. maybe somethings need to change for it to work. if you are willing to do it, try it.

just don't get yourself sick about it (including drinking) you need to be there for your kids because they are hurting too. i know how hard that is, my mom went through it

you can pm me if you need to talk

Kelli

Kel, I too grew up without a father. I never knew my real dad until I was about 14, and my step-father was a severe drunk with mild-to-moderate Tourette's, so he wasn't any better. That's probably most of the cause of most of my own emotional problems right there.

Like I said, my kids are my world. I could never do anything to hurt my girls, and fortunately our current work schedules afforts me plenty of alone time with my children. And yes, I want to try to keep this as friendly as possible, for the girls, and my wife does share this feeling. But, deep down, no matter how much I love her, it's hard to not hate her at the same time for everything she's doing, both to me and the girls.

[SVXRide]

Jeff,
Little clarification -- a marriage is a constant series of "working things out" based purely on the fact that we're all different. I think my marriage is consistent with this. I've always said that anyone who says their marriage is "perfect" is lying -- the ground truth is that a good marriage involves a lot of work from both partners. Having kids in the mix - and my wife and I have 3 - just makes things that much more "interesting".
Best of luck working everything out.
-Bill
ps. Tri-state? I'll have to check my calendar to see if the roads are clear

[svxthc]

I know this is hard on everyone. Turn the tables, see someone else. You won't change her feelings for you by dragging your chin on the ground waiting for her to love you again. The sooner you act a man about the situation the sooner she will realize it's not worth leaving you and if she really loves her kids she will think otherwise. Someone has to be the man of the situation. Your daughters will find out sooner or later, communication is key to keep open between you and your wife and kids. I'm jealous of your 94 with 40k miles, my dad used to have one with 17k, the best year/color in my oppinion

[huck369]

Jeff,
I was were you are a year and a half ago.
So I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.
My wife and I got back together, but she didn't want to come back till I finally got up off my butt, and started trying to move on with my life without her.
I think that is what made her see what she was letting go, and made her realize what a mistake she was making.
She actually had to beg me to let her come back, and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make, as, for all I knew she'd turn around and leave again (something I didn't want to go through again), but I ended up letting her come back.
Now it’s a bit better, as we saw a counselor for several months, got us to communicate better.
But every morning when I wake up, I have to wonder, “Will she leave me today”?

I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision, but some days, I’m sure that I did.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

[ensteele]

It is a tough thing to go through, and only time will make it hurt less. It has been almost 6 years now, and I still find it hard to think about trusting anyone. The only priority is my son, and I do what I can to make his life better. I don't know what I would have done without my dogs though. They still greet me at the end of the day with their tails wagging and always want my attention. They have been my best friend!

When you go through something like this, you will find out who your TRUE friends are. I found out who was always there for me no matter what. They called just to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. At this point, I have found out how lucky I really am with the friends I do have. Maybe that is why I had to go through this. I hope you can find your blessings during this time whether she comes back or not. Focus on your kids, they need you more now than ever before.

[newsvx]

A real bummer, Jeff!! I really hate it for you.
After 35 years with the same lady, I don't know that I can really offer any advice. But I do know that tempers (of either party involved) aren't usually conducive to a long marriage. And I would certainly not get angry in front of the kids. That is the real sad think about your situation, as you have recognized. My only advice here is don't attempt to turn them against their mother, and hopefully, she will do likewise with regard to you. This is something that will tear kids apart in the long run.

In general, compromise is the key in a marriage, but when one compromises more than the other, there is usually problems. Don't assume there is someone else. Jumping conclusions is not the way to go.

Sorry to be so long-winded - I am just searching for something to say to you. It is rough, I know. But I have always believed that EVERYTHING always works out for the best. But keep trying until the end, if that the way it goes down. Be the better person (even if she is great in the way she conducts herself) - if not for you, do it for the kids!
Good luck!
Harry