The Top O' the Morning to Ye!

[Mike621]

Originally Posted by svxistentialist

A depressed young lady was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her in tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look honey, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship, you can make a new life over there. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy on the trip." The girl agreed. After all, what did she have to lose?


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.





Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I made a deal with one of your sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."



"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Haha! I love it! I have been on that crappy ferry many times!

[svxistentialist]

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to its restaurant for dinner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer."

Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the plate.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake.

After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked straight into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"FOR GAWD'S SAKE DON'T FLUSH IT!"

[svxistentialist]

World War III.

The U.S.A. has succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
"Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
"Yes!"
The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer:
"Yes, what?"
After another fifteen minutes computation the computer replies:
"Yes, Sir!"

[oab_au]

***TEXAN HATES THE IRISH***


A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed,
"Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from
Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot, 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from
th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the
Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket
and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and
turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's
Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot
3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip
of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My
name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland.
I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me
head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is
brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

Harvey.

[svxistentialist]

Nice one Harvey.

We can't let Australians off the hook now, can we?

Way up north in the mining territories, a fellow walks into the bar with a small crocodile on a chain. Scares the wits out of the fellows at the bar.

One says " Here, ye cahn't have thet animal in here mate, health and safety, it's too fahking dayngerous!!

The guy smiles, says "No worries mate, he's totally tame and only does what I tell him to do".

With that he lifts the croc onto a table and says "Watch this" He opens the croc's jaws and says "hold", puts his right arm in completely between the 3" teeth. The guys in the bar are amazed at his recklessness.
"And now watch this", he says, putting his head right into the mouth, smiling out at the guys. The crocodile keeps his mouth open.

"But", says one of the guys, "what if he gets a scare, he might bite somebody", "Nah!", says the guy, "he's a croc and they don't scare too easy. Watch this"

With that he unzips, pulls out his pecker, sticks it between the croc's teeth and gives him a bang on the head with a bottle.

"See?" he says. "No worries. Anybody else here brave enough to try this and I'll buy the first round of drinks."

"I'll give it a go" says the barmaid. "Just don't hit me so hard with the bottle"

[oab_au]

Wel if your going to pick on Strailens.

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

Harvey.

[oab_au]

Earl will like this one.


A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock
at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old
Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news
for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and
maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's
an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!

Harvey.

[svxistentialist]

Jeepers Harvey!

This puts the Dabob meet into a whole new perspective.

[svxistentialist]

Straying back on topic to St Patrick's day, we have had the best weather this year for the Feast Day for absolutely years, and it has remained beautiful all this week.

This was a great boon to all those performers in the parades all over the country. There is a wonderful tradition here of marching bands and school bands and pipe and jazz bands from the USA returning to various Irish towns, particularly Dublin, year after year.

Long may it continue. They come here rain or shine, and when the weather is not so good, they still march and play and smile just like it was tropical here.

Keep coming, keep playing and keep smiling folks. Great ambassadors for their country and their people.

[Landshark]

Originally Posted by svxistentialist

Also, I'm pretty sure you fellows don't actually believe all these racially stereotypical jokes that imply we Irish drink a little, fight some and are generally dumb when we are not being stupid.

you aren't all drunk, potato-eating, fist-fighting Leprechauns ?


you learn something new every day.

[svxistentialist]

Originally Posted by Landshark

you aren't all drunk, potato-eating, fist-fighting Leprechauns ?


you learn something new every day.

Yeah, Alan, we are really, we just try to fool everybody into thinking otherwise.

Here's a story for you.

An American couple in Dublin for Patrick's Day walk into a bar for a quiet drink. As they take their seats on the bar stools, the guy already there on a stool falls right over and hits the floor with a huge thump. He drags himself back up to his seat, shakes and settles himself.

Noticing that they are looking over at him with some concern, he straightens his hair, smiles over and says " Gravity ish really b-bad today, isn't it?"

Joe

[Landshark]

Originally Posted by svxistentialist

Yeah, Alan, we are really, we just try to fool everybody into thinking otherwise.

a while back i swore off dating Italian girls because of their fiery tempers, so i married a fiery tempered Irish girl.

she still has relatives over there, and i learned an Irish phrase: Poka mahone (i have no idea how its really spelled, but that's how it sounds).

[svxistentialist]

Learning Irish from the bottom up, eh?

Nice one.

I think maybe there is an Italian streak in all Irish wives. If ya cross them.