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#16
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Jesse, Jen, Earl, and everyone, thanks. I really appreciate it.
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Jen, sorry to hear your in the same boat as me. And don't worry about feeling better at my expense. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel a bit better, too. Speaking of the meet, if you do make it up for it, I'd be up for grabbin' a bite to eat with you after if you want, give us both a chance to talk to someone that's in the same position, but won't judge you over it. That's the reason I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to personally about it, I feel like everyone is on her side.
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-Evil Jeff '03 WRX Wagon, World Rally Blue '94 SVX LSi, Barcelona Red '89 XT6 4WD, Grey & Rust (and legally, an '01 Outback VDC skankmobile) |
#17
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Sorry to be coming into this thread a little late...thought I'd offer up a few things (I'm in Jesse's camp as in having gone through rough time with my wife and working them out) 1. Talking is one thing, listening is another...are you both really listening to what the other person is saying? 2. Try writing down your feelings in the form of a letter to one another and exchanging the letters (sometimes writing takes the emotional aspect out and also allows each of you the time to "digest" what the other person is trying to say) 3. What is it that both of you value most in your lives and how do these values match up? Where they match up defines the path you share together Other suggestions if you'd like...just PM me Hang in there and be prepared to work hard! -Bill (yes, I do this type of work when I'm not a Rocket Scientist )
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Retired NASA Rocket Scientist Most famous NASA "Child" - OSIRIS-REx delivered samples from asteroid BENNU to Earth in Sept. 2023 Center Network Member #989 '92 Fully caged, 5 speed, waiting for its fully built EG33 '92 "Test Mule", 4:44 Auto, JDM 4:44 Rear Diff with Mech LSD, Tuned headers, Full one-off suspension '92(?) Laguna, 6 spd and other stuff (still at OT's place) My Locker |
#18
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if you need to talk send me a PM and you can call me if ya want....im usually good at this kinda stuff
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1993 25th Anniversary Edition # 156 of 301 ~ 121, 488 miles ( SOLD TO svxfiles 8/6/06) 2006 Subaru Impreza 2.5i....5spd - My daily driver 2006 Subaru Legacy 2.5i -7k miles..Mom's daily driver 2,543 Member of the SVX World Network |
#19
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excellent advice. hope everything works out for you, Jeff.
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Alan 1987 928 S4 (Black) SOLD! 1997 SVX LSi (Ebony) SOLD! 2005 Legacy GT (Silver) [Cobb Stg 2+] SOLD! 1987 928 S4 (Black) SOLD! 2005 Forester XT Premium (Crystal Gray Metallic) SOLD! 2008 Lancer Evolution X MR (Apex Silver) [Cobb Stg 1+] 2015 Outlander Sport 2.4GT AWD (Mercury Gray) 2013 G37xS (Obsidian Black) |
#20
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my god people can be jerks. sometimes you just want to suck into a hole and become a hermit, but we cant do that and one of the things that seperate us from the other animals is our complex relationships. i find that things that are complex oftin break and can be hard to fix (analogy works for both relationships and cars)
she needs to be able to commit (and be happy) with herself before she can comitt to a relationship. it sounds to me like a mid life crisis. if she doesnt fully love you than she isnt the right person for you. yes it is selfish for her to commit to a monogomus relationship without being able to say"this is the man i want to die married to". i have got the "i dont know if a relationship is right for me at this point in my life" line 2 times before. it sucks but after a week im able to look at it and say i love this woman and want her to be happy. if shes not happy with me i have to let her go. its not fun but sometimes life isnt. if i were you id stop thinking about the future or the past and just take it a day at a time. i know its hard to do but thier is no use being upset about things you cant change. thinking about what tomarrow will bring can be overwhelming and we cant change the things we have done, we live in the now and our minds work best on the now. |
#21
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what i really hate is when the girl that i like goes for the jerk guy that doesnt really care about her. that has nothing to do with this but it still isses me off. nice guys really do finish last.
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#22
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EJ,
I know things suck right now and your hurting over this, but be strong for the kids. They are a great place to focus your love and attention right now. If your lady wants a seperation, then let her be the one to leave, she wanted this not you and let her be the one to tell the kids. You will need to be there for them when she does, so don't imerse youself in a bottle (as much as you may want to) If you can't convince her to go see a councilor it doesn't mean you cant go see someone on your own, lean on people here if need be as well, don't keep things bottled up, but don't let yourself go off the deep end either. Be strong, things will get better if you want/let them, it just take a little time. Oh and for god sakes, stop listening to Journey!
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1992 Liquid Silver LS-L (Sold-5/16/13) 1997 Spruce Pearl Outback (Sold) 2006 B9 Tribeca |
#23
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Just tell her that if she eventually decides she wants to come back to call first, you'll need to decide whether or not you want her back. Two way street. Prolonging the inevitable is just prolonging how you feel right now. Yeah, it sucks - chin up, move forward. Go through life with self-love and graciousness. Don't worry about how or what you can do to get her back, let her worry about how she's going to get you back.
So suck it up, don't become a wussy-boy. Once you start down the wussy-boy path you're going to be miserable for a heckuva long time, and once you come out of it you'll want to kick your own butt. I feel for ya but that doesn't mean I support your wallowing.
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ASE Certified Master Automotive Technician w/L1. ASE Certified Master Medium/Heavy Truck Technician. Certified EVT (Emergency Vehicle Technician) |
#24
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i don't have children and i am not married, but coming from a nasty divorce family i know from the child's point of view.
keep it friendly as best you can. you children hear the conversations and the angry aftermath (ie complaints from arguement still going on). see your kids as much as possible. don't spoil them when you have them. just be there for them. don't lie or sugarcoat anything. i was 8 when my parents started their spats, 12 when he booked, and i last talked to him at 15. good ridens he is the definition of a$$hole (i could tell you stories, but this is more you) i can't give you any advice on the wife situation. i have heard the i need space speech from one boyfriend and he called me the next day in tears telling me how much he missed me and how wrong his decision was. maybe that will happen to you. but don't expect it too. take things slow and just be open and honest with her. tell her how things are making you feel. find out what is wrong all the way from the bottom. maybe somethings need to change for it to work. if you are willing to do it, try it. just don't get yourself sick about it (including drinking) you need to be there for your kids because they are hurting too. i know how hard that is, my mom went through it you can pm me if you need to talk Kelli
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Previous owner of the Princess Pearlie "Dimples" as of 8/6/03 1992 LS-L Pearl 124k "Yeah, that thingy!" owner of the new 1992 LS-L Pearl "Susie" I am a pessimistic optimistic. I think the worst is going to happen, that way when it does, i don't feel as bad, but if the best happens, i am twice as happy. |
#25
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Thank you, everyone. I'm in surprisingly good spirts right now, thanks to your kind words, sound advice, and anticipation of the Tri-State meet.
As for all the offers for a shoulder to cry on via PM, while I do truly appreciate the offers, I kinda like letting it out here, it's kinda like group therapy. Quote:
1. I think both talking and listening are problems my wife has. She's always had trouble expressing herself, and I really don't think she has taken the things I've said to heart. I on the other hand, express myself too much if anything, and not always in a productive fashion, unfortunately. However, I can honestly say that not only have I listened to her, but I have taken her comments to heart and used them to make myself a better person. But this also seems to have had little effect on her. 2. This is an excellent idea that I had not even considered. I think it will help me express myself in a calmer and more productive manor, and at the same time hopefully help her understand my situation and feelings better. 3. For me, it's my family, my girls and her. But for, I don't know, possibly because she doesn't know, or, like I said, just can't express herself to me. PS: I'm gonna see you at Tri-State too, right? Quote:
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As for her leaving, that simply isn't possible for other reasons. But, regardless of our problems with each other, I can't says a bad parent. A little irresponsible at times yes, but still a good, loving mother. Quote:
As for wallowing in my pity, I really don't think I'm doing that. Nor am I posting this to try to get everyone else's pity. I just have a lot of emotions that I don't know how to handle right now, and I just wanted some good friends to talk to about it, and hopefully get some sounds advice from, which is exactly what I've gotten. I really don't have that in "the real world". Quote:
Like I said, my kids are my world. I could never do anything to hurt my girls, and fortunately our current work schedules afforts me plenty of alone time with my children. And yes, I want to try to keep this as friendly as possible, for the girls, and my wife does share this feeling. But, deep down, no matter how much I love her, it's hard to not hate her at the same time for everything she's doing, both to me and the girls.
__________________
-Evil Jeff '03 WRX Wagon, World Rally Blue '94 SVX LSi, Barcelona Red '89 XT6 4WD, Grey & Rust (and legally, an '01 Outback VDC skankmobile) |
#26
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Jeff,
Little clarification -- a marriage is a constant series of "working things out" based purely on the fact that we're all different. I think my marriage is consistent with this. I've always said that anyone who says their marriage is "perfect" is lying -- the ground truth is that a good marriage involves a lot of work from both partners. Having kids in the mix - and my wife and I have 3 - just makes things that much more "interesting". Best of luck working everything out. -Bill ps. Tri-state? I'll have to check my calendar to see if the roads are clear
__________________
Retired NASA Rocket Scientist Most famous NASA "Child" - OSIRIS-REx delivered samples from asteroid BENNU to Earth in Sept. 2023 Center Network Member #989 '92 Fully caged, 5 speed, waiting for its fully built EG33 '92 "Test Mule", 4:44 Auto, JDM 4:44 Rear Diff with Mech LSD, Tuned headers, Full one-off suspension '92(?) Laguna, 6 spd and other stuff (still at OT's place) My Locker |
#27
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I know this is hard on everyone. Turn the tables, see someone else. You won't change her feelings for you by dragging your chin on the ground waiting for her to love you again. The sooner you act a man about the situation the sooner she will realize it's not worth leaving you and if she really loves her kids she will think otherwise. Someone has to be the man of the situation. Your daughters will find out sooner or later, communication is key to keep open between you and your wife and kids. I'm jealous of your 94 with 40k miles, my dad used to have one with 17k, the best year/color in my oppinion
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1993 SVX Anniversary Edition #64 |
#28
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Jeff,
I was were you are a year and a half ago. So I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. My wife and I got back together, but she didn't want to come back till I finally got up off my butt, and started trying to move on with my life without her. I think that is what made her see what she was letting go, and made her realize what a mistake she was making. She actually had to beg me to let her come back, and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make, as, for all I knew she'd turn around and leave again (something I didn't want to go through again), but I ended up letting her come back. Now it’s a bit better, as we saw a counselor for several months, got us to communicate better. But every morning when I wake up, I have to wonder, “Will she leave me today”? I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision, but some days, I’m sure that I did. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
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Huck Subaru Ambassador 92 SVX LS-Tour Magnaflow Exhaust, 5-Spd-AWD 88 XT6 AWD 5-Speed "Bride of FrankenWedge" 15 Impreza Premium Sedan 15 Crosstrek XV 5-Speed My 5-Speed "How-To" Write-up 1976 Pontiac Firebird Formula Current Count of Subaru's Owned.... "70" |
#29
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It is a tough thing to go through, and only time will make it hurt less. It has been almost 6 years now, and I still find it hard to think about trusting anyone. The only priority is my son, and I do what I can to make his life better. I don't know what I would have done without my dogs though. They still greet me at the end of the day with their tails wagging and always want my attention. They have been my best friend!
When you go through something like this, you will find out who your TRUE friends are. I found out who was always there for me no matter what. They called just to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. At this point, I have found out how lucky I really am with the friends I do have. Maybe that is why I had to go through this. I hope you can find your blessings during this time whether she comes back or not. Focus on your kids, they need you more now than ever before.
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. Earl .... ... .... ><SVX(*> Subaru Ambassador [COLOR=”silver”]1992 Tri Color L[/COLOR] ~45K (06/91) #2430 1992 Dark Teal LS-L ~184K (05/91) #0739 1992 Claret LS-L ~196K (05/91) #0831 1992 Pearl LS-L ~103K (06/91) #1680 1992 Pearl LS-L ~151K (06/91) #2229 1992 Dark Teal LS ~150K (07/91) #3098 (parts car) 1992 White LS-L ~139K (08/92) #6913 1993 25th AE ~98K (02/93) #164 1993 25th AE ~58K (02/93) #176 1993 25th AE ~107K (02/93) #215 1993 25th AE ~162K (02/93) #223 1994 Laguna Blue Pearl LSi ~124K (1/94) #2408 1994 Laguna Blue Pearl LSi ~144K (10/93) #1484 1994 Laguna Blue Pearl LSi ~68K (10/93) #1525 1994 Barcelona Red LSi ~46K (02/94) #2624 1994 Pearl LSi ~41K (12/93) #1961 1995 Bordeaux Pearl LSi ~70K (02/95) #855 1996 Polo Green LSi ~95K (03/96) #872 1997 Bordeaux Pearl LSi ~55K (08/96) #097 2003 Brilliant Red LS1 Convertible ~29K (04/03) #8951 1999 Magnetic Red LS1 Coupe ~33K (04/99) #6420 My Email | Old Locker | New Locker | Picture of 15 of the 19 |
#30
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A real bummer, Jeff!! I really hate it for you.
After 35 years with the same lady, I don't know that I can really offer any advice. But I do know that tempers (of either party involved) aren't usually conducive to a long marriage. And I would certainly not get angry in front of the kids. That is the real sad think about your situation, as you have recognized. My only advice here is don't attempt to turn them against their mother, and hopefully, she will do likewise with regard to you. This is something that will tear kids apart in the long run. In general, compromise is the key in a marriage, but when one compromises more than the other, there is usually problems. Don't assume there is someone else. Jumping conclusions is not the way to go. Sorry to be so long-winded - I am just searching for something to say to you. It is rough, I know. But I have always believed that EVERYTHING always works out for the best. But keep trying until the end, if that the way it goes down. Be the better person (even if she is great in the way she conducts herself) - if not for you, do it for the kids! Good luck! Harry
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newsvx 1992 SVX LSL, #1215 1997 SVX LSi, #370 "I live with fear every day. Sometimes she lets me go racing." "Getting Older and Slower" Locker: http://www.subaru-svx.net/photos/user.php?newsvx |
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