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  #46  
Old 05-23-2005, 10:41 AM
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wow Jeff,
we all feel for you, I can also somewhat relate to your situation, very closely in fact...it's tough.. the choice I made for myself(the one you have thought about) was that I could not continue to give my life and my heart to someone who could not give me theirs.
You are doing the right thing, therapy and church can help with your feelings, but in the end...be true to yourself...if you stay and try to make it work, will you be miserable and always have those thoughts creeping up in you mind? Or would it be easier to move on and possibly find someone that will be true to you?
The fact that you have children will complicate things, not that children are bad.. but just that they will always be linked to their mother, so you will not be able to put her out of your mind.(I know you love your girls very much)
I too am available for you to talk to, (502-439-5497)
I'll also be at the dragon with huck... and I'm one of the guys there with an extra bed( damn that would be a long drive from maine, but probably worth it)
***CLIFF NOTES*** My sig other was also a dirty, cheating, lying, heartless *****, And my heart WAS broken in two... however, it is mended now, you can survive, you can be happy, you need to be true to yourself.
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  #47  
Old 05-23-2005, 10:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SVXRide
Jeff,
First off, it took a lot of guts to post what you just did.
Second, there are a couple of questions that you might want to consider before moving forward:

1. do you - in your heart - love your wife?
2. do you - in your heart - trust your wife?
3. does your wife share your values about raising your kids?
4. does your wife's behavior over the last year reflect the way she has behaved over all the years you've known here or does it reflect a significant change?

Hang in there!
-Bill
Thanks. The reason I posted is, like I said, to let evenyone know whats going on, and if my problems can help anyone else, then it will be at least some bright spot on the situation. To answer your questions:

1. Yes, deeply. But, not like I used to. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her that way again.

2. I'd like to say yes, but deep down, no. Everytime I asked her if she had anything to tell me, she always said no, with the same look on her face. The last time she even swore on our children. Come to find out, she had her fingers crossed. And since I've known about him, ever time I asked if there was anytime more, if she ever slept with him, she said no with the same look on her face. There of course ended up being more (she did end up telling me she has kissed him a few times but nothing any further), so I can't help thinking now that there's still more. And I still can't get over that my good sumaritan specifically said "she's sleeping with him". Everytime I am alone, or try to think, I have her voice screaming in the back of my head. She obviously knew more than I did, so if she didn't know for sure, then why didn't she say "she's seeing someone else", or anything besides "sleeping with him". I just have no reson not to trust her, and no reason to trust my wife.

3. Yes and no. She does share the same moral values, so she says, but she's been the one that hasn't been there for us, any of us, for a long time.

4. Absolutely not. All this first started late last fall, and not matter what I've tried to do, it's only gotten worse. Beofre that, even though we had our problems, she was still a very loving wife. Honestly, the only thing I can relate it to is a mid life crisis.
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  #48  
Old 05-23-2005, 11:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rd96SVX
You are doing the right thing, therapy and church can help with your feelings, but in the end...be true to yourself...if you stay and try to make it work, will you be miserable and always have those thoughts creeping up in you mind? Or would it be easier to move on and possibly find someone that will be true to you?
I honestly don't know right now, but I wish I did. If I had to say right now, then no, I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'm just far too much of an emotional person. If it weren't for my girls, then I would have been gone long before it ever got to this point.

We have a counseling appointment next week, and I'm going to talk to a counseler myself tonite. At this point, no matter the pain, I just can't take my girl's family away from them until I know how I truly feel, and unfortunately, I just can't make a rational decision in the condition I'm in right now.
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  #49  
Old 05-23-2005, 11:21 AM
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whenever my wife gets tired of me being in the garage too much messing with cars, or buying stuff for the cars, i tell her that "car guys" don't cheat. if she'd prefer, i could "work late" more often and not spend so much time on the vehicles.

therefore, find a woman who works on cars.

just trying to give you a smile. your situation really sucks, and its reprehensible what she did, especially considering you have children. she was being completely selfish - thinking only for herself, and what seemed fun or exciting to her at that moment, and not taking into account how it would affect the rest of her family. if it were me, i would have returned her selfishness kicking her *** to the curb, and moving on. its hard with kids involved, but would they be better off with parents in two different houses, or parents that stayed together and are miserable and don't trust each other?

keep your chin up, and i hope things get better for you in the future.
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  #50  
Old 05-23-2005, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darksied-X
*snip*
4. Absolutely not. All this first started late last fall, and not matter what I've tried to do, it's only gotten worse. Beofre that, even though we had our problems, she was still a very loving wife. Honestly, the only thing I can relate it to is a mid life crisis.
Jeff,
Okay, #4 is where you start "soul searching".... mid life is a very powerful part of our lives - male and female. I'd strongly suggest you bring up this observation when the two of you go to the counseler, there's something there that neither one of you may even realize right now.
-Bill
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  #51  
Old 05-23-2005, 11:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Landshark
its hard with kids involved, but would they be better off with parents in two different houses, or parents that stayed together and are miserable and don't trust each other?
I don't know the answer to that either, but it is a big concern me. Her parents were like that, she's basiclly repeating the same mistakes her father did. And my moms-in-law stuck it out, just so they would have a complete family, but it backfired. For the longest time my wife and sis-in-law resented their father for what he had done in the past. Now, my wife resents her mother, because she feels she grew up to be like her. Like I've said before,. I'm just not ready to make that decision without further explaination of what I'm feeling right now.
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  #52  
Old 05-23-2005, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darksied-X
I don't know the answer to that either, but it is a big concern me. Her parents were like that, she's basiclly repeating the same mistakes her father did. And my moms-in-law stuck it out, just so they would have a complete family, but it backfired. For the longest time my wife and sis-in-law resented their father for what he had done in the past. Now, my wife resents her mother, because she feels she grew up to be like her. Like I've said before,. I'm just not ready to make that decision without further explaination of what I'm feeling right now.
yeah, give it some time to clear your head and make a rational decision. it is impossible to help over the internet and know all the people, history, and feelings involved, but we're pulling for you to be happy again in the future, no matter which way things turn out.
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  #53  
Old 05-23-2005, 01:43 PM
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Wink

you have to stop the viscous cycle now.if you don't it's probally just gonna get worse instead of better making the future relationship between you and your family even more strained than it already is. i'm not a person to tip toe around peoples feelings and tell them what they want to hear.i'm simply stating facts as i see them and i feel you should end it NOW. your simply letting her drag your emotions through the dirt and soon if not already it will spread to the children and they will more than likely take sides, then more feelings are hurt and hearts broken. i could be wrong as i'm not around your situation but i've been there as a kid when my parents got divorced and i went through it when i separated from my wife. although me and my wife made it through it wasn't as bad as your situation. don't do this to yourself anymore and lose the woman. sorry so harsh, but hate seeing woman do this to men. Good luck

Last edited by Budfreak; 05-23-2005 at 01:49 PM.
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  #54  
Old 05-23-2005, 01:46 PM
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Jeff,
I agree with Bill - it took guts to write what you wrote, but I bet you feel better for doing so.

Man, I really feel for you, and I hate what you are going through. No one should have to go through that.

I know it is VERY difficult to believe her and to trust her again, but I think you are doing the right thing by trying. Give it some time. See how serious she is about staying with you. The next several weeks will tell the tale. A suggestion for you also: Don't YOU leave this time. If anyone leaves, it should be her, and BTW, there are serious legal implications with who packs up and moves out.

Hang tough, Jeff!!
Harry
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  #55  
Old 05-23-2005, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newsvx
Jeff,
I agree with Bill - it took guts to write what you wrote, but I bet you feel better for doing so.

Man, I really feel for you, and I hate what you are going through. No one should have to go through that.

I know it is VERY difficult to believe her and to trust her again, but I think you are doing the right thing by trying. Give it some time. See how serious she is about staying with you. The next several weeks will tell the tale. A suggestion for you also: Don't YOU leave this time. If anyone leaves, it should be her, and BTW, there are serious legal implications with who packs up and moves out.

Hang tough, Jeff!!
Harry
Thanks Harry, you know I'll always appreciate your kind words.


She has already told me that if I truly cannot make this work, that she will voluntarily go. She has finally admited that this is not my fault, that it is hers, and she said that she cannot hurt me anymroe than she has, or take away anymore than she has. The house, the cars, and most importantly the girls, will be mine. There really is no way I could leave them with her in this situation. She's already started sliding downhill, there's no telling what would happen if I wasn't around.
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  #56  
Old 05-23-2005, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by budfreak1
you have to stop the viscous cycle now.if you don't it's probally just gonna get worse instead of better making the future relationship between you and your family even more strained than it already is. i'm not a person to tip toe around peoples feelings and tell them what they want to hear.i'm simply stating facts as i see them and i feel you should end it NOW. your simply letting her drag your emotions through the dirt and soon if not already it will spread to the children and they will more than likely take sides, then more feelings are hurt and hearts broken. i could be wrong as i'm not around your situation but i've been there as a kid when my parents got divorced and i went through it when i separated from my wife. although me and my wife made it through it wasn't as bad as your situation. don't do this to yourself anymore and lose the woman. sorry so harsh, but hate seeing woman do this to men. Good luck
Bud, no reason to be sorry for being harsh, sometimes thats what it takes to get through to someone.

But, I have a question for you. Do you have any children of your own? If not, then you really have no understanding of the situation, there's no way you can. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, no one will ever know true love until they have children of their own. And those girls are my priority, and come the end of the day, no matter what has happened, I can rest easier knowing I have done right by them.

And that is now what I need to determine, what will be best for my girls. Yes, it very well could be better for them if we separate, that means they'll no longer have to see the fighting or the hurt. I don't want them to end up like my wife and sis-in-law. That is a very unusual circumstance, but entirely possible. Too many times in my own family, I've seen parents seperate, and it destroyed the children, and that's what happens more often than not when parentsd give up too easily because of selfish reasons. My own feeling come second, but yes, deep down, I want to love and trust my wife again like I used to, and vice versa. Now I just need to determine if that will ever be possible.
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  #57  
Old 05-23-2005, 02:58 PM
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I just got thinking about something Bill (SVXRide) had said to me in an earlier post: write her a letter expressing your feelings, maybe that will allow her to see things in a different light. Well, unfortunately, I'm not really a very good writer. But, I'm thinking maybe I am, and maybe I already have that letter complete.

I'm highly contemplating printing off this entire thread and leaving it for her to read. It has everything I could possibly put in a letter, plus stuff that you all have made me think about that I would probably never remember for a letter. Plus, maybe some of your responses will get her thinking as it has done for me.

What does everyone think about this? Is it a good idea, or am I only asking for more trouble?

And before anyone says it, yes, some people would be upset to know that all they're problems have been leaked out for the world to see. But she already knows about this thread, and knows that your all important friends to me, and that you all helped me a great deal when I first started this thread.
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  #58  
Old 05-23-2005, 03:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darksied-X
I just got thinking about something Bill (SVXRide) had said to me in an earlier post: write her a letter expressing your feelings, maybe that will allow her to see things in a different light. Well, unfortunately, I'm not really a very good writer. But, I'm thinking maybe I am, and maybe I already have that letter complete.

I'm highly contemplating printing off this entire thread and leaving it for her to read. It has everything I could possibly put in a letter, plus stuff that you all have made me think about that I would probably never remember for a letter. Plus, maybe some of your responses will get her thinking as it has done for me.

What does everyone think about this? Is it a good idea, or am I only asking for more trouble?

And before anyone says it, yes, some people would be upset to know that all they're problems have been leaked out for the world to see. But she already knows about this thread, and knows that your all important friends to me, and that you all helped me a great deal when I first started this thread.

I would hold off on doing something like that just yet. Wait a little bit to see how things get...better or worse. If there is a little sense of trouble again then I would print it out to show her exactly how you feel. I dont have kids of my own....but I will tell you that no one deserves to go through this kinda stuff...kids or not. Were people and deserve to be respected....you dont have to be with anyone that doesnt respect you. I was a real nice guy before....i got walked on by alot of people. I dont take crap like that anymore. And it has led me to deal with stressful situations better. I sent you a PM Jeff...gimme a ring whenever!
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  #59  
Old 05-23-2005, 03:44 PM
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Jeff,

It will be interesting to see how the counseling goes for the two of you. And isn't it great how many friends you have here? Nothing to be ashamed of, leaking your problems out to the world. A wise man seeks the counsel of ALL his friends. The shame would be to walk alone without any support.

The bottom line is this: You seem to be ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to have a better marriage and family. The question is, Is she READY, WILLING and ABLE? You can't do it for her. She must be ready, she must be willing and she must be able. Otherwise, you are in for endless heartache.

And honestly, a woman ready to give up her house, cars and kids over the guilt of a kiss? I'm not really sure about that. Perhaps the guilt of giving her heart [and soul] to another without a desire to turn back to her husband or family, well that I could understand.

So, your next move is based on the truth in her heart. The loving thing for you to do for her and for the girls may be to find her another place to live. Also, a female attorney told me once that a surprizingly large number of people that file for divorce don't go through with it. The reality of the situation strikes deep. It may be in your best interest to file for divorce. It would show that even though this is not what you want, you respect her wish to be free, if that is her desire. This is a bit more serious than an appointment for counseling, but may help you to resolve the situation one way or the other.

I realize that this won't be fun or easy. I faced this a couple years ago. At the time, I felt that the day I served my wife papers was the best and the worst day of my life. Interesting, from today's perspective, that observation brings a big smile, not a frown. Life is very good. It was a good day indeed.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Darksied-X
I just got thinking about something Bill (SVXRide) had said to me in an earlier post: write her a letter expressing your feelings, maybe that will allow her to see things in a different light. Well, unfortunately, I'm not really a very good writer. But, I'm thinking maybe I am, and maybe I already have that letter complete.

I'm highly contemplating printing off this entire thread and leaving it for her to read. It has everything I could possibly put in a letter, plus stuff that you all have made me think about that I would probably never remember for a letter. Plus, maybe some of your responses will get her thinking as it has done for me.

What does everyone think about this? Is it a good idea, or am I only asking for more trouble?

And before anyone says it, yes, some people would be upset to know that all they're problems have been leaked out for the world to see. But she already knows about this thread, and knows that your all important friends to me, and that you all helped me a great deal when I first started this thread.
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Old 05-23-2005, 05:33 PM
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Frankly, Jeff, I would not print off the entire thread for your wife to read. For a couple of reasons:
1) she "may" resent you sharing so much with your friends and not her (at least initially)
2) I think a letter would have more impact on (and meaning to) her, because it would be something you obviously had to sit down and put some thought into.

Just my thoughts - But I would write the letter regardless. Just writing the letter will focus your thoughts and feeling about the situation, and you's feel much better whether you give it to here or not.

Harry
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