The Top O' the Morning to Ye! - Page 2

svxistentialist · #16 03-18-2009, 06:26 AM

I know I opened this can o' worms by mentioning the word "froth"

Also, I'm pretty sure you fellows don't actually believe all these racially stereotypical jokes that imply we Irish drink a little, fight some and are generally dumb when we are not being stupid.

So just to redress the balance a little, here is an American joke:

[Note to self: post up loads of anti American jokes on 4th of July. Americans are not at all sensitive about their patriotism]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would
like the "worlds best beer" a Corona
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser"
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what
he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and
ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson's president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

Joe

Wikedjuggalo · #17 03-18-2009, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by svxistentialist

I know I opened this can o' worms by mentioning the word "froth"

Also, I'm pretty sure you fellows don't actually believe all these racially stereotypical jokes that imply we Irish drink a little, fight some and are generally dumb when we are not being stupid.

So just to redress the balance a little, here is an American joke:

[Note to self: post up loads of anti American jokes on 4th of July. Americans are not at all sensitive about their patriotism]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would
like the "worlds best beer" a Corona
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser"
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what
he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and
ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson's president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

Joe

Haha I got it... after two reads

LarryIII · #18 03-18-2009, 10:20 AM

Joe,

Post all of the "American" you can. Afterall, If I give it, then I have to be able to take it.

kwren · #19 03-18-2009, 11:45 AM

I love my "Irish" wife (she made me post this)

Keith

kwren · #20 03-18-2009, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LarryIII

Joe,

Post all of the "American" you can. Afterall, If I give it, then I have to be able to take it.

Just "don't mess with TEXAS"

Keith

svxistentialist · #21 03-18-2009, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LarryIII

Joe,

Post all of the "American" you can. Afterall, If I give it, then I have to be able to take it.

Thanks Larry

I'll do my best.

Although, now that I think of it, with this being a public website, if I was to post up a long stream of anti American [or anti USian] jokes, for sure it will be flagged up on some CIA monitoring post somewhere in the bowels of middle America.

So maybe the next time Joe sets foot in the States he gets stopped, questioned, body cavity search, and put back on the plane for home.

In contrast to that welcome the next time Larry sets foot in Ireland, he gets the Cead Mile Failte and gets shown where all the fun spots are at.

You might be willing to take as much as you give Larry, but I'm sure there are plenty on your side of the pond that will show they've had a sense of humor by-pass when they perceive something as anti-American.

That's the difference in sensitivity I'm hinting at.

Joe

svxistentialist · #22 03-18-2009, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kwren

Just "don't mess with TEXAS"

Keith

Aw Keith, I have some great Texan jokes.....

kwren · #23 03-18-2009, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by svxistentialist

Aw Keith, I have some great Texan jokes.....

I was thinking just after I posted that... What could anyone possibly come up with bad about TEXAS?

Then it came to me... EAST texas... (notice the little "t") There you go! Go after "them"!

Keith

svxistentialist · #24 03-18-2009, 12:05 PM

A depressed young lady was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her in tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look honey, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship, you can make a new life over there. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy on the trip." The girl agreed. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I made a deal with one of your sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

svxistentialist · #25 03-18-2009, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kwren

I was thinking just after I posted that... What could anyone possibly come up with bad about TEXAS?

Then it came to me... EAST texas... (notice the little "t") There you go! Go after "them"!

Keith

Over here, all the jokes are about Texans.

And we're very PC, we don't discriminate.

svxistentialist · #26 03-18-2009, 12:13 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get your ass out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

A year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make this guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a b... job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

kwren · #27 03-18-2009, 12:32 PM

Good job Joe! Great example!!!!!!
A great example of the Intelligence and tenacity of us TEXANS!

That particular approach would not have occurred to me but I am sure, under the same circumstances, I would have come up with a good one!
Thanks,

Keith

svxistentialist · #28 03-18-2009, 01:36 PM

You're welcome Keith.

How about this one?

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model four-door station wagon, traveling about 65 m.p.h."

"Wow, that's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No, I can't", said the old tribesman. "she just ran over me five minutes ago"!

svxistentialist · #29 03-18-2009, 01:50 PM

This is meant to be the transcript of an ACTUAL conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call, Captain.

I think maybe this one was dreamed up in Canada. The Canadians come out smarter in the finish.

svxistentialist · #30 03-18-2009, 01:58 PM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."