Test from Aredub's Uncle

[ensteele]

Uncle Dub's Test and Comments. This is what he sent to me.

Redneck IQ Tess

ah's sick an' tired of hearin' about how dumb varmints is in th' South. ah challenge enny so-called smart Yankee t'take this hyar exam:

1. Calculate th' smalless limb diameter on a persimmon tree thet will suppo't a 10 poun' postum, dawgone it.

2. Which of these cars will rest out th' quickess when placed on blocks in yer front yard? (A) '65 Fo'd Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, (C) '64 Pontiac GTO, (D) '92 Subaru SVX.

3. Eff'n yer uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine prodooced per hour, how menny car radiato's is required t'condense th' produck?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsar, which operates at 2700 RPM. Th' density of th' pine trees in th' plot t'be harvested is 470 per acre. Th' plot is 2.3 acres in size. Th' avahage tree diameter is 14 inches. How menny Budweizzus will be drunk befo'e th' trees is cut down?

5. Eff'n ev'ry old refrigerato' in th' state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, whut'd be th' percentage decrease in th' ozone layer?

6. A front po'ch is cornstrucked of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers wif a field rock foun'ashun. Th' span is 8 feet an' th' po'ch len'th is 16 feet. Th' po'ch flore is 1-inch rough sarn pine. When th' po'ch collapses, how menny houn' houn'dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house an' 3.7 acres of lan' in a holler wif an avahage slope of 15%. Th' man has five chillun. Kin etch of his grown chillun place a mobile home on th' man's lan' an' still haf 'nuff propuhty fo' their eleckric appliances t'set out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is on overloaded an' proceedin' 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. Th' brakes fail, ah reckon. Given avahage traffic corndishuns on secondary roads, whut is th' probability thet it will strike a vehicle wif a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Divishun 2 Hazarjus Area. Th' mine employs 120 miners per shif'. A gas warnin' is issued at th' beginnin' of th' 3rd shif'. How menny cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked durin' this hyar shif'?

10. At a reduckshun in th' june pool variability rate of 7.5% per junerashun, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by th' interstate highway t'breed a country an' western singer? ah betcha thunk thet tess was gonna be an easy one, didn't yo'? It's okay eff'n yo' didn't does all thet fine. Jest goes t'show yo'. Thar's a hole heap of thin's thet trimenjus city book larnin' doesn't prepare yo' fo' in this hyar life.

As an added bonus fo' takin' th' "REDNECK CHALLENGE" hyar's some Southern advice thet may come in han'y down th' road a piece.

"Next time yer too drunk t'drive, walk t'th' nearess pizza shop an' place an o'der. When they hoof it to delivah it, ketch a ride home wif 'em, dawgone it."

[Chiketkd]

Just reading & understanding that quiz is an accomplishment in itself!

-Chike

[NikFu S.]

I'm tempted to translate it into something one can read at a brisk pace.

[Beav]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86lwhitetrash2.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86lwhitetrash1.phtml

[TomsSVX]

could someone translate into brail?? I think i have just gone blind reading that...

Tom

[Electrophil]

I passed!!! (He exclaimed while snapping his suspenders with his thumbs.)

[shelfy]

Originally Posted by NikFu S.

I'm tempted to translate it into something one can read at a brisk pace.

like that would be easier to read.

[lhopp77]

Man, any 6th grader from Arkansas can ace that one.

Lee

[Landshark]

what does this have to do with teh SVX?

Earl, could you move your thread to the OT section before you have to give yourself a timeout.

[ensteele]

Here is the translation of the test for some of you who don't understand the language.

Redneck IQ Test
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or

(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

(D) '92 Subaru SVX

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you. There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southern advice that may come in handy down the road a piece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

[ensteele]

Originally Posted by Landshark

what does this have to do with teh SVX?

Earl, could you move your thread to the OT section before you have to give yourself a timeout.

It is in the "Not Exactly SVX" Forum isn't it?

[Noir]

Originally Posted by ensteele

Here is the translation of the test for some of you who don't understand the language.

Redneck IQ Test
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or

(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

(D) '92 Subaru SVX

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you. There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southern advice that may come in handy down the road a piece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

chew translat tee tist ta chin-ese? damn yanks!

[LarryIII]

As the local neighbor representative for the Evil Empire (ie: NY Yankee fan), I am obligated to pick up the gauntlet and take this test. My answers are in bold and red after the questions.



1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. [This is a trick question. Everyone knows that you possums won’t go near persimmons.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? It has to be the Chevelle. [COLOR=Red] Everyone knows that FoMoCo products are only Found On Roads, Dead.[COLOR=Red

(A)'65 Ford Fairlane
(B)'69 Chevrolet Chevelle,
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
(D) '92 Subaru SVX

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
None. You can’t use aluminum (or plastic)to condense alcohol. You have to use copper.
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? Zero. Woodcutters drink shine.
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? None. Old refrigerators lost their refrigerant a long, long time ago, so now they will not affect (as opposed to effect) the ozone layer.
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? Zero. ‘Dawgs’ sleep on the porch not under it.
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? None. What makes you think that they have electricity.
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? The odds on striking a car with a muffler are infinity over 1. ( that’s a mathematical expression to you’all from the south).
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift? Zero. Coalminers smoke Luckies.
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer? It never is going to happen.

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you. There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southern advice that may come in handy down the road a piece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.


PS: It's rather obvious that Southern rednecks know how to operated computers better than this Yankee.

[TomsSVX]

NICE job Larry

Tom

[Chiketkd]

Well done Mr. Engineer! I got a kick out of your replies!!!

-Chike