work ethics "funny"

[solarsvx]

REVISED EMPLOYEE RULES

SICKDAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain thee
average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we
see you wearing $350 Prada
shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and
therefore you do not need a
raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should
be directed elsewhere. Have a
nice week.

Management