Thread for posting useless $#!t

[Rotorflyr]

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

[Rotorflyr]

We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.

I have to push the pram a lot.

[Rotorflyr]

BARBER:
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!

[singing]
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...

[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

[Rotorflyr]

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And....
Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life. (whistle)
Come on...
Always look on the bright side of life...
For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word,
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin,
Give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath,
Life's a piece of $**t,
When you look at it,
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
Come on guys, cheer up.
Always look on the bright side of life.
Worse things happen at sea, you know.
Always look on the bright side of life.
I mean - what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing,
you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!

[immortal_suby]

double you tee eff?

[SHISVX]

there once was a man from dallas.............

[Andy]

My mother said that I never should
play with the naughty, rude girls in the wood.
Their giggling talk I could never understand,
and that's why I fell in love with my right hand.

And that's why
(Chorus)
I'm a w*nker, I'm a w*nker.
and it does me good like it bl**dy well should.
I'm a w*nker, I'm a w*nker
and I'm always pulling my pud'.

I was twenty-five years old before I was kissed,
and then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist.
It's cheap and convenient, you can't catch VD.
It's available at any time and it's absolutely free.

And that's why
(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
thank you for having me and being oh, so kind.
I've got pains in my arms and my donkey's growing shorter,
My knees have turned to water, and I think I'm going blind.

I've w*nked over Italy, I've w*nked over Spain.
I've w*nked in an omnibus, I've even had a w*nk in a train.
I've used a badger and a melon and a cat,
an inflatable Linda Lovelace, and a Davy Crockett hat.

And that's why
(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh, so kind.
I've got pains in my arms and my dong is getting shorter,
My knees have turned to water, and I think I'm going blind.

[Rotorflyr]

When I was a little bitty boy
my grandmother bought me a cute little toy
Silver bells hangin' on a string
she told me it was my ding a ling

My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I want to play with my ding a ling
My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I want to play with my ding a ling

And then mother took me to Grammer School
But I stopped all in the vestibule
Every time that bell would ring
catched me playin' with my ding a ling

Once I was climbing the garden wall
I slipped and had a terrible fall
I fell so hard I heard bells ring
but held on to my ding a ling

Once I was swimming cross Turtle creek
many snappers all around my feet
Shure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holdin' my ding a ling

This here song it aint so sad
the cutest little song you ever had
those of you who will not sing
You must be playin' with your own ding a ling
My ding a ling

Your ding a ling, your ding a ling
We saw you playin' with your ding a ling
My ding a ling everybody sing
I want to play with my ding a ling

[shelfy]

isn't there a song lyric thread somewhere? mods!

[Rotorflyr]

Well this is the thread for posting useless $#!t
And I do believe for the most part, these songs have been pretty useless!

[shelfy]

Originally posted by Rotorflyr
Well this is the thread for posting useless $#!t
And I do believe for the most part, these songs have been pretty useless!

i'll have to agree. post away!

[Rotorflyr]

The Most Useless Item Ever Offered On E-Bay

[Rotorflyr]

Originally posted by shelfy
i'll have to agree. post away!

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

[Rotorflyr]

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom.
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid--
Who made the spikey urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

Amen.

[shelfy]

they sure are asking a lot of coin for something so useless. i think i'll pass this time, but thanks for sharing.