[SubaSteevo]

Try this next time, and make someone else's day worse than yours (provided they deserve it)


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, one when you just need to take it out on someone… Don’t take it out on someone you know… Take it out on someone you don’t know!

Now, get this: I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had apparently transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote “Jackass” and put it into a drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a jackass!” And it would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea, I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello?” I made up a name, “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?” He said, “No!” and hung up. I quickly called him back and said “That’s because you’re a jackass!” The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can always do something about it by simply dialing 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to slowly back out. I even backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. “Great,” I thought, “she’s finally leaving.” All of a sudden, this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle, in the wrong direction, and pulls into her space. I started honking and yelling “You can’t just do that, bucko! I was here first!” The guy climbed out if his car, completely ignoring me, walking straight for the mall. I thought to myself, “What a jackass! My God, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world.” Then I noticed a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car and wrote down the number.

A few days later, I’m at home and I had just called the jackass (it’s really easy now that I have him on speed dial), when I remembered the number of the guy with the black Camaro. I thought I’d give him a call too. After a few rings the guy picks up and I said “Hello. Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?” He said “Yes it is.” I said “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He replied “Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out in front.” I said “What’s you’re name?” “Don Hansen.” “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m at home in the evenings.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Sure.” “Don, you’re a jackass.” And I slammed the phone down. After that I added Don’s number to my speed dial.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. But after months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it had lost it’s initial thrill. So I gave the problem some thought and came up with a solution: First, I called jackass #1 and when he said “Hello?” I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” but I didn’t hang up. He said, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah.” He said “Stop calling me.” I said, “No.” He said, “What’s your name, pal?” I said, “Don Hansen.” He said, “Where do you live, Don?” I said, “1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house with a black Ca maro out front.” “I’m coming over right now, Don! You’d better say your prayers!” “Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up. Then, I called jackass #2. He answered, “Hello?” and I said “Hello, Jackass!” He said, “If I ever find out who you are I’ll--” “You’ll what?” “I’ll **** you up!” “Well, here’s your chance, I’m coming over right now, Jackass!” and I hung up.

Next I phoned the police, I told them that I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to watch the action.

It was glorious! Watching two jackasses kick the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!