thank you for being kind & understanding of my really, really poor sense of humor.
I actually have a tiny bit to seriously offer.
When I lived in St Louis some years back I would drive to a power/hand car wash with a leaf blower in the back of the Volvo (yuck) I drove in those days (stupid me, I thought if a car was made in Sweden it had to be THE BEST in snow). After the power wash, use the blower on the car and it will pretty much drive off all the water before it forms an ice sheet. This may not work very well for the seriously cold spots some of you hail from.
Also, lube door/trunk locks with graphite - I learned that one the hard way - WD-40, the dirt it attracts, and a bit of water leaking in the lock to make ice, all combine to make it really hard to use your keys.