So I’m not sure but, here’s my guess.
The second sentence refers to ‘this’ but it is not crystal clear what ‘this’ is. It could be: 1) Tim becoming vice president 2)That he has 35 people 3) or that these 35 people will report to him. So the pronoun 'this' is not correct because it is not clear which of the 3 it refers to. So 'this' needs to be replaced by a noun...... Maybe
