The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

It's a beautiful morning here in the Emerald Isle. :D

A Happy St Patrick's Day to all my friends on the SVX Network.

Wherever you are, may the sun shine on your parade and the froth stay healthy on your beer. :rolleyes:

Joe :)

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Yay green beer day!!!

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Since it is St. Paddy's Day, I believe that it's time for a wee bit of Irish humor. So enjoy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave,
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
***********************************************
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
***********************************************
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"
************************************************** ********
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Excellent jokes. Happy St. Patricks Day.

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

lol good jokes :lol: sadley i forgot yesterday was St Patricks day. I knew it was comming . only relised it was when i drove past to chicky babes, one wearing a tight green dress and green hat and the other a very short green skirt. must had been heading off to goin clubing

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

ThanQ:D

May the wind be always on your back.

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

A Happy St Patrick's Day to all.

May your Brew be cold, and your farts free of surprises! :eek:

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Happy St Patricks Day to everyone!
some of you might enjoy this video entitled F*#$ you i'm drunk (NWS as far as language) by Bondo. (Click link, as I did not want to post video in forums)

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Looking over these posts, I get the idea that Saint Patrick's day is not just about cornbeef and cabbage:confused:

Thanks, Joe:)
Excellent jokes, LarryIII
Happy Saint Patrick's day to all!!!!

Keith:cool:

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

One more,:)

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’ The owner comes over asks if he can help them. ‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’ He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’

THERE’S MORE...
Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. ‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’

IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.’Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’

Harvey.

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Have a good one - I'm going for a Guinness! :D You made me thirsty. :lol:

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

:pics:

Dangit we need the "This thread is useless without pics" line of smileys...

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

sorry lol sadly i didnt have a camera with me:lol:

Re: The Top O' the Morning to Ye!
 

Harvey,

These are for next years St. Patrick's Day.


A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:

1. SYMPTOM

2. CAUSE

3. CORRECTIVE ACTION:



1. Feet cold and wet.
2. Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
3. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.



1. Feet warm and wet.
2. Improper Bladder Control.
3. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training.


1. Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
2a. Glass empty.
2 b. You're holding a Coors Lite.
3. Get someone to buy you another beer.


1. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
2. You have fallen over backward.
3. Have yourself leashed to the bar.


1. Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes.
2. You have fallen forward.
3. See above.


1. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
2 a. Mouth not open.
2 b. Glass applied to wrong part of face.
3. Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror.


1. Floor Blurred.
2. You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
3. Get someone to buy you another beer.


1. Floor moving.
2. You are being carried out.
3. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


1. Room seems unusually dark.
2. Bar has closed.
3. Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to
go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.



1. Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
2. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
3. Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside.



1. Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
2. You are dancing on the table.
3. Fall on someone cushy-looking.



1. Beer is crystal-clear. ?
2. It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up.
3. Punch him.

1. Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
2. You have been in a fight.
3. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


1. Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
2. You've wandered into the wrong party.
3. See if they have free beer.


For the ladies:
1. People are standing around urinals, talking. ? ? ?
2. You're NOT in the ladies' room.
3. Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the
hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional).


For the gentlemen:
1. Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel
door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk.
2a. You're in jail.
2b. You're in the navy.
3. Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.


1. You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
leather chaps.
2. You're in a gay bar.
3. Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
offers for backrubs.



1. Your singing sounds distorted.
2. The beer is too weak.
3. Have more beer until your voice improves.



1. Don't remember the words to the song.
2. Beer is just right.
3. Play air guitar.