Message to US citizens
 

REVOCATION OF AMERICAN STATE OF INDEPENDENCE

A message to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour", "colour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary", if necessary.

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "ize".

You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not mature enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you'll understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term "gasoline" will henceforth be taboo) - at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

I've seen that before. It's funny if you read down. Before the flame war commences, the first time I read it that loser clinton was in office. We should just merge all the good "English" speaking countries. Imagine the power of the US, UK, Canada, Australia, & New Zealand once merged across the board. Oh, and we will all drive on the right, just because it makes more sense. The Canadians do it! :D

That was about as ignorant as me saying I hope my country takes over the world and kills anybody who interferes. Oh and I hate England.. they talk funny. We should kill them too. I like Ron Jeremy though, he'll be spared.

you could try ...... :D
http://www.subaru-svx.net/photos/fil...hark/35417.jpg

That's easy. Dick Cheney was the second gunman on the grassy knoll :D

Actually, I was watching a show a week ago on the History Channel about the JFK assassination. A lab took all the video footage of that day, digitized it and made a 3D wire frame model. Then they viewed it from numerous angles, flagged the gunshot points of entry and exit from the autopsy reports and determined that the two shots that hit were fired from Lee Harvey Oswald, along with a first shot that missed.

Then they went into a psychological study on how the conspiracy theory is a coping mechanism because people can't accept that a lone, unknown man's random act could have such a wide spread impact.

The same thing happens today with 9/11 conspiracy theories. People can't accept the truth so they dig for conspiracy theories that give a "higher meaning" to the tragedy.

Is that you Alan after a bad day at work?

Funny
 

The whole thing was somewhat funny, but definitely points out many of OUR strong points. Ban OUR cars, but introduce us to German cars??? Guess the writer was to ashamed to propose introducing us to English cars or I guess most of those are actually American cars now.

About movies and accents. I have tried to watch some of the real British movies they show on our TV every once in a while, but D-------n, I can't understand them and end up turning them off.

Food--English food is considered about the worst cuisine in the world.

Anyway--we have not lost our sense of humor.

Rave ON!!!

Lee

Andy,

Do we get to thow tea into Boston harbour again?

PS: American dictionaries spell 'aluminium' thusly: "ALUMINUM."
So we have been pronouncing it correctly, according to our dictionaries. Of course, we have been spelling it improperly.

Put a shrimp on the barby for me, and I'll put a steak on the grill for you.

Cheerio chap.

:D actually, that ain't too far from what i look like, but i look a bit more psychotic.

Just a bit more? :D

I'd say a whole bunch more. ;)

I thought that was pretty funny.

Message to UK citizens:

After the US takeover, the following rules will be implemented-

1. you will all learn to use a toothbrush and toothpaste.
2. you will be instructed how to make food - blood and entrails are to be thrown away or fed to animals.
3. soccer will be removed - kicking a ball around a giant field for hours with a final score of 1-0 is not entertaining, but old vdeos are allowed as sleep remedies.
4. cricket will also be removed - WTF is that all about?
5. the Queen and the other royalty will be given real jobs.
6. men won't be allowed to wear skirts anymore.
7. Elizabeth Hurley will be encouraged to wear short skirts, however.

The first step would be to become Canadian :D

Vinegar is not just for cleaning and is one of the main ingredients of "catsup".

Elizabeth Hurley?

J/K... just trying to see if anybody posts pics