So, yeah...I think my life is over...
 

After 8yrs and 2 beautiful children, the women I love more than anyone, that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, wants a "separation". Yeah, I'm not handling it too well. Emo-trainwreck would be a good way to describe me right now.:(

She's says she needs time to "find herself", and determine if I'm the one she wants to be with. It may be a week, a month...or never.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the most selfish thing someone could do to someone they "love". I realize some people need their space, need to find themselves. But, as usual, she's not even considering what she's doing to me, that she's taking everything I hold dear away from me. Besides, I don't really see that it will be any different than it has been for the last several months, when she hasn't been able to give me more than a few hours of her time each week.

I'm a very black or white person (which she's says is one of the things that bothers her), you either love someone, or you don't. And at least if she said it was over for good, I could start picking up the pieces of my life, not left hanging in limbo. Hell, even if she says she does want to be with me in the future, I don't know if I can do it anymore, not after this.

Sorry to be such I downer, but I really have no one to talk to about this (again, thanks to her), and it's killing me. So, anyone have any words of wisdom for a shattered man? Besides beer of course, I've already come to that conclusion...:(:(:(

all i can say i'm sorry to hear to what you're going through. i don't like to see people in pain. :(

Beer is not a solution, only a bandaid.

Have you had a chance to talk about everything and determine how she came up with this decision?

Is there possibly another person in the picture?

A few of us here have gone through similar situations before and maybe they can shed some advise on what to do.

You never refer to her as your wife so I'm assuming you're not married. Perhaps that's the problem...or that's her way of getting you to commit?

I find that strippers are good listeners :D

I'm sorry for what happened and what I said above is actually true. They are cheaper than a counselor and do listen well and will talk with you.


Go in to the strip bar on a slow night like a Monday or Tuesday. For a little tip money, you have a tempary friend to talk to.

Coming from an alcoholic family, I fully realize this. However, I need a banaid right now.

Yes and no. This has been brewing for months (started on election night, actually), and I'm definitely one to express myself, so we've talked a lot. I think I know why she's unsure of her feelings of me, which basiclly involves a vicious cycle between my severe temper and her complete lack of responsibility, but even that excuse changes frequently. That, plus she's no longer attracted to me because I've gained a lot of weight over the last several years, due to my injury and change in careers. However, I have not yet found out why she seems unwilling to try to work through it together, by either counseling or whatever.

Entirely possible. She did admit to me that several weeks ago that she went out to lunch with a guy from her gym, but that absolutely nothing happened. If there is someone else, I doubt she would ever admit it. My prior girlfriend before her cheated on me, and I told her that if she ever did that to me, no matter the circumstances, we were through. I'd like to say that I know her well enough that she wouldn't do that, but she's just been gone so much lately with no real reason.

Married six years this past January. It's just too hard to call her my wife right now, considering.

Problem with that. I live in Maine. Most of the few strip clubs we had to begin with have been shut down by the "righteous" politicians. I think we have 2 left now. One's in the sticks, and it's filled with toothless, redneck skanks. The other's in "The City", and their strippers aren't very...personable.

Thanks Shelf, I truly appreciate it. I really need some more friends like you in my life, if you get my drift. The two I've had throughout my life, were two of the best people I've ever been able to talk with about stuff like this.:)

i am getting a drift and i assume it's the same one your sending. feel free to pm me if you want. :)

God, I don't know if I can do this. I just tucked my daughters in, and my oldest asked me if I was going to be home tomorrow, and I didn't know what to say. I just said yes, and left before I broke down. I know she only meant if I had to work, but it's still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.:(

I know what you are going through.

It is a dangerous mixture of feelings.

It will take time, but things will get better, if you let it.

It might get worse before it gets better, but if you let it it will get better.

Tom.

I think I'm only making things worse right now. I'm listening to Journey. Yeah, you heard me, Journey. :rolleyes: :D

I have been through this twice, and it drives me nuts!! She is just being selfish right now and if they are gone and seem distant, there probably is someone else. I don't know what to say right now other than feel bad for you and feel your pain. When kids are involved, that is the worse part. You need to be strong for them. They will need you more now than ever. If you ever need to talk, PM me and I will try to help. :(

Wow, and i thought i was the only going through something similar to this right now. I was feeling badly for myself after a nearly 4 year relationship but, now i feel better (sorry it has to be at your expense) im just realizing that now i should be thankful this happened before we were married or had anything like children, we have cats and thats tough. I'm guessing this is going to be one of those things where if it is meant to be it will happen... I mean i was larry's first girlfriend i understand he needs his space, I hope for me and u "evil jeff" that both of them find themselves before they lose what is great in their lives...

Jen

Glad im still young and cute :rolleyes:

I don't think I'm one to give advice, but I've been in much, much darker places with my wife, and we did manage to work things out.


Lust and desire will always bring new things to the table, but after time it all becomes the same anyway.

I hope you can come to a resolve, and I WILL see you at Tri-state RIGHT? ;)

Oh, I guess that kinda answers my guestion on the other thread :o

Well in that case........How's it going babe?

J/K. :D I hope to see both of you at Tri-state then. ;)

Jesse, Jen, Earl, and everyone, thanks. I really appreciate it.:)

You're damn skippy you will! Regardless of what happens from here on out, I'll be there. I need a day to just getaway and enjoy myself, I haven't had that in a while.

Jen, sorry to hear your in the same boat as me. And don't worry about feeling better at my expense. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel a bit better, too.:) Speaking of the meet, if you do make it up for it, I'd be up for grabbin' a bite to eat with you after if you want, give us both a chance to talk to someone that's in the same position, but won't judge you over it. That's the reason I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to personally about it, I feel like everyone is on her side.

Jeff,
Sorry to be coming into this thread a little late...thought I'd offer up a few things (I'm in Jesse's camp as in having gone through rough time with my wife and working them out)
1. Talking is one thing, listening is another...are you both really listening to what the other person is saying?
2. Try writing down your feelings in the form of a letter to one another and exchanging the letters (sometimes writing takes the emotional aspect out and also allows each of you the time to "digest" what the other person is trying to say)
3. What is it that both of you value most in your lives and how do these values match up? Where they match up defines the path you share together

Other suggestions if you'd like...just PM me

Hang in there and be prepared to work hard!

-Bill (yes, I do this type of work when I'm not a Rocket Scientist ;) )

if you need to talk send me a PM and you can call me if ya want....im usually good at this kinda stuff :)

excellent advice. hope everything works out for you, Jeff.

my god people can be jerks. sometimes you just want to suck into a hole and become a hermit, but we cant do that and one of the things that seperate us from the other animals is our complex relationships. i find that things that are complex oftin break and can be hard to fix (analogy works for both relationships and cars)

she needs to be able to commit (and be happy) with herself before she can comitt to a relationship. it sounds to me like a mid life crisis. if she doesnt fully love you than she isnt the right person for you. yes it is selfish for her to commit to a monogomus relationship without being able to say"this is the man i want to die married to".

i have got the "i dont know if a relationship is right for me at this point in my life" line 2 times before. it sucks but after a week im able to look at it and say i love this woman and want her to be happy. if shes not happy with me i have to let her go. its not fun but sometimes life isnt. if i were you id stop thinking about the future or the past and just take it a day at a time. i know its hard to do but thier is no use being upset about things you cant change. thinking about what tomarrow will bring can be overwhelming and we cant change the things we have done, we live in the now and our minds work best on the now.

what i really hate is when the girl that i like goes for the jerk guy that doesnt really care about her. that has nothing to do with this but it still isses me off. nice guys really do finish last.

EJ,
I know things suck right now and your hurting over this, but be strong for the kids. They are a great place to focus your love and attention right now. If your lady wants a seperation, then let her be the one to leave, she wanted this not you and let her be the one to tell the kids. You will need to be there for them when she does, so don't imerse youself in a bottle (as much as you may want to)
If you can't convince her to go see a councilor it doesn't mean you cant go see someone on your own, lean on people here if need be as well, don't keep things bottled up, but don't let yourself go off the deep end either. Be strong, things will get better if you want/let them, it just take a little time.

Oh and for god sakes, stop listening to Journey! :D

Just tell her that if she eventually decides she wants to come back to call first, you'll need to decide whether or not you want her back. Two way street. Prolonging the inevitable is just prolonging how you feel right now. Yeah, it sucks - chin up, move forward. Go through life with self-love and graciousness. Don't worry about how or what you can do to get her back, let her worry about how she's going to get you back.

So suck it up, don't become a wussy-boy. Once you start down the wussy-boy path you're going to be miserable for a heckuva long time, and once you come out of it you'll want to kick your own butt.

I feel for ya but that doesn't mean I support your wallowing.

i don't have children and i am not married, but coming from a nasty divorce family i know from the child's point of view.

keep it friendly as best you can. you children hear the conversations and the angry aftermath (ie complaints from arguement still going on). see your kids as much as possible. don't spoil them when you have them. just be there for them. don't lie or sugarcoat anything. i was 8 when my parents started their spats, 12 when he booked, and i last talked to him at 15. good ridens he is the definition of a$$hole (i could tell you stories, but this is more you)

i can't give you any advice on the wife situation. i have heard the i need space speech from one boyfriend and he called me the next day in tears telling me how much he missed me and how wrong his decision was. maybe that will happen to you. but don't expect it too. take things slow and just be open and honest with her. tell her how things are making you feel. find out what is wrong all the way from the bottom. maybe somethings need to change for it to work. if you are willing to do it, try it.

just don't get yourself sick about it (including drinking) you need to be there for your kids because they are hurting too. i know how hard that is, my mom went through it

you can pm me if you need to talk

Kelli

Thank you, everyone.:) I'm in surprisingly good spirts right now, thanks to your kind words, sound advice, and anticipation of the Tri-State meet.

As for all the offers for a shoulder to cry on via PM, while I do truly appreciate the offers, I kinda like letting it out here, it's kinda like group therapy.:)


Bill, sorry to hear you've had problems with your wife, but I'm glad to hear that your working them out.

1. I think both talking and listening are problems my wife has. She's always had trouble expressing herself, and I really don't think she has taken the things I've said to heart. I on the other hand, express myself too much if anything, and not always in a productive fashion, unfortunately. However, I can honestly say that not only have I listened to her, but I have taken her comments to heart and used them to make myself a better person. But this also seems to have had little effect on her.

2. This is an excellent idea that I had not even considered. I think it will help me express myself in a calmer and more productive manor, and at the same time hopefully help her understand my situation and feelings better.

3. For me, it's my family, my girls and her. But for, I don't know, possibly because she doesn't know, or, like I said, just can't express herself to me.

PS: I'm gonna see you at Tri-State too, right?:D


That's exactly what I think as well.


My kids are my world, they mean more to me than anything. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have been gone long before now. And they are exactly where I have been focusing my love as of late, which is the main reason I've even come this far. But don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much, and want to make this work for more than just my children.

As for her leaving, that simply isn't possible for other reasons. But, regardless of our problems with each other, I can't says a bad parent. A little irresponsible at times yes, but still a good, loving mother.


Beav, I've told her from the first time is she goes through with this, that I will probably do just that, try move on and pick up that pieces of my life the best I can. But the other side of that coin is that I've been in pain over this for so long, whats a few more weeks for her to try to find herself really going to hurt me? Especially since I'm not ready to move on, I still love her and still want to be with her.

As for wallowing in my pity, I really don't think I'm doing that. Nor am I posting this to try to get everyone else's pity. I just have a lot of emotions that I don't know how to handle right now, and I just wanted some good friends to talk to about it, and hopefully get some sounds advice from, which is exactly what I've gotten. I really don't have that in "the real world".


Kel, I too grew up without a father. I never knew my real dad until I was about 14, and my step-father was a severe drunk with mild-to-moderate Tourette's, so he wasn't any better. That's probably most of the cause of most of my own emotional problems right there.

Like I said, my kids are my world. I could never do anything to hurt my girls, and fortunately our current work schedules afforts me plenty of alone time with my children. And yes, I want to try to keep this as friendly as possible, for the girls, and my wife does share this feeling. But, deep down, no matter how much I love her, it's hard to not hate her at the same time for everything she's doing, both to me and the girls.

Jeff,
Little clarification -- a marriage is a constant series of "working things out" based purely on the fact that we're all different. I think my marriage is consistent with this. I've always said that anyone who says their marriage is "perfect" is lying -- the ground truth is that a good marriage involves a lot of work from both partners. Having kids in the mix - and my wife and I have 3 - just makes things that much more "interesting".
Best of luck working everything out.
-Bill
ps. Tri-state? I'll have to check my calendar to see if the roads are clear :D

I know this is hard on everyone. Turn the tables, see someone else. You won't change her feelings for you by dragging your chin on the ground waiting for her to love you again. The sooner you act a man about the situation the sooner she will realize it's not worth leaving you and if she really loves her kids she will think otherwise. Someone has to be the man of the situation. Your daughters will find out sooner or later, communication is key to keep open between you and your wife and kids. I'm jealous of your 94 with 40k miles, my dad used to have one with 17k, the best year/color in my oppinion :)

Jeff,
I was were you are a year and a half ago.
So I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.
My wife and I got back together, but she didn't want to come back till I finally got up off my butt, and started trying to move on with my life without her.
I think that is what made her see what she was letting go, and made her realize what a mistake she was making.
She actually had to beg me to let her come back, and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make, as, for all I knew she'd turn around and leave again (something I didn't want to go through again), but I ended up letting her come back.
Now it’s a bit better, as we saw a counselor for several months, got us to communicate better.
But every morning when I wake up, I have to wonder, “Will she leave me today”?

I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision, but some days, I’m sure that I did.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

It is a tough thing to go through, and only time will make it hurt less. It has been almost 6 years now, and I still find it hard to think about trusting anyone. The only priority is my son, and I do what I can to make his life better. I don't know what I would have done without my dogs though. They still greet me at the end of the day with their tails wagging and always want my attention. :) They have been my best friend! :)

When you go through something like this, you will find out who your TRUE friends are. I found out who was always there for me no matter what. They called just to check up on me and make sure everything was ok. At this point, I have found out how lucky I really am with the friends I do have. Maybe that is why I had to go through this. I hope you can find your blessings during this time whether she comes back or not. Focus on your kids, they need you more now than ever before.

A real bummer, Jeff!! I really hate it for you.
After 35 years with the same lady, I don't know that I can really offer any advice. But I do know that tempers (of either party involved) aren't usually conducive to a long marriage. And I would certainly not get angry in front of the kids. That is the real sad think about your situation, as you have recognized. My only advice here is don't attempt to turn them against their mother, and hopefully, she will do likewise with regard to you. This is something that will tear kids apart in the long run.

In general, compromise is the key in a marriage, but when one compromises more than the other, there is usually problems. Don't assume there is someone else. Jumping conclusions is not the way to go.

Sorry to be so long-winded - I am just searching for something to say to you. It is rough, I know. But I have always believed that EVERYTHING always works out for the best. But keep trying until the end, if that the way it goes down. Be the better person (even if she is great in the way she conducts herself) - if not for you, do it for the kids!
Good luck!
Harry

listen to some of the advice given in here cause lots of it is very good and as you can see, everyone has their hard trials in life. your not alone at all. i say read over some advice and feel alittle better knowing theres people out there that will listen and care, then take the SVX out for a nice adrenaline pumping ride down some paved(or gravel if you prefer) backroad and blow off a little steam.(don't hurt the subie!!) trust me.

That was beautiful, Amen. :o

Allow me to offer the married woman's perspective.
It is indeed a two-way street in any relationship.
I was there about 18 months ago.... I was bored and frustrated and distracted and ready to go.
My solution? Bought a parts car and spent three months tearing it apart. Sounds silly, but working on that car together "fixed" my broken mental state towards my hubby.
Obviously the same thing may not work for you, but that general idea might.... just my 2 cents.

Michelle - was it a bonding thing that happened, or was it just working together on a project? :confused: :)

We're here to listen.......

I hope everything works out the best for ya. :)

Hi,

Well, there is some great advice in here for you. I was moved. I am moved. Some Network 'regulars' took time to share their stories. Interesting don't you think. Some of the most helpful and happy friends we have here, have experienced pain and discomfort. That's why they are helpful and happy. They survived and thrived. The truth is, life is full of joy and sorrow. Hopefully, we are blessed with more joy than sorrow. We appreciate the great things in our lives even more when we have experienced the sorrow.

Wow Huck. Did you see that Legacy he fixed for his daughter? Did you see the smile on her face? Why does Earl have those nice cars? Well did you see what he said, it's as much about his son than it is about him. His son, those cars, this Net, his school, that's his family. And all the others that posted, what a gift to us all. This Net is about spreading joy and happiness. People have questions, people have answers, people have needs, people have parts, etc, etc. People that really care, care because it brings joy. Truth is, we all need more joy.

I agree, nothing can be said to make you feel better, but maybe this. We live in a different world today then when I was young. Lots of families go through a reorganization, for lack of a better word. You will be surprised when you realize that your girls are there for you, not you for them.

If your wife wants to leave, sit down with her and the kids and let mommy tell them about it. Be supportive. Help her pack her bags. Go to her place and help her move in. This is a very painful time for you. You will shed many tears. You will wail! Everyone says it will get better, but it's too dark to see. So, take time to decide what do you want to be on the other side? This is survivable. I guarantee it. You can grow or you can wither. Be someone that your girls want to share time with. Be someone your wife wants to talk to.

I'm not judging here, so don't go there. Just food for thought, okay? So, if you have a temper, why? Fix that, it's not attractive. Why is Porn your antidrug? For some here, Subarus, any kind of Subaru, are the anti-drug. Use this time to figure out who you are. It's your opportunity, not hers!

My wife and I agreed to separate two years ago, twenty years and four kids later. Don't feel sorry for us, we are all okay. If fact, my life is better than ever. I found out who I was, I grew and what a surprise, I found the real love/loves of my life. And there are no hard feelings, no time for that. I spoke with my ex for 30 minutes today bragging about our children!

And like Michelle, the boys and I are having fun bonding with our project car. Find out what you enjoy, and go do it. Make some new friends, take some chances. That's how many of us got here.

Who were you ten years ago? Who will you be ten years from now?

Someone sent this to me today. I didn't know why, but now reminded of it, here it is after a quick edit. Maybe someone will enjoy it.

KING ARTHUR AND THE WITCH

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals, so his life was not taken. Therefore, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question is; what do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. However, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

The prince returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. Nevertheless, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and Arthur's life would be spared.

Therefore, it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. However, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer, beautiful during the day or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. A beautiful woman to show off to his friends during the day, but at night in the privacy of his castle an old witch? On the other hand, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now, what is the moral to this story?

This is another example of what a wonderful family we have here. As I read the replies to Darksied-X from all of you, I find strength and comfort myself. I am sure all of you feel the same pain or joy when a member experiences LIFE and whatever curves in the road that we come to. This car that was named SVX, has been a blessing to me, my son, and so many others here. I can only try to give back what I receive. Why do I have so many of these wonderful cars? Well, the truth is, I never want to be without one and drift away from this group of people I consider family. :)

It was an opportunity for me to realize exactly how good I had it and how great my husband was. As you know, he's not nearly "into" this car stuff as I am, but he was happy to have to leave his truck outside most of the winter while we tore that other car apart. Gave me a wake-up call and an sorely-needed attitude adjustment.

And the good ol' SVX was involved in this great experience! :) :)

Hey EJ, I feel you hurt and anger. I went through somting like what you are facing. After 10 years and a raising her child from 1 year old she left. I concider him to be my son and he consider me his father. It was very hard to get through each day for me without my son. It took me over a year to pull myself together. I did not want to listen to anyone about it. You have a great head start on the situation by gettin it out into the open.

Do not keep anything bottled up and remain calm and cool tempered when you talk with her. It makes all the difference in the world.

I saw at the bottom of you signature the quote: "Weekends are for drunks, do drugs." -Dwayne Stomp
Here is the link to the audio http://www.98online.com/twisted/stomp.wav
Steve