immortal_suby
05-28-2001, 07:26 PM
This was way too accurate ('cept for the DUI and the part they left out where Jiffy Lube drains the tranny fluid and adds 6 quarts of oil to the crankcase)
> Subject: OIL CHANGE!
>
> Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
> 3000 since the last oil
> change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
> properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee.
> Total = $21.00
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for
> $50.00 for oil, filter,
> kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
> Instead of taking it back
> to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
> stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 17mm box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
> on you in process.
>
> 12) Clean up mess.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
> twist off.
>
> 16) Beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
> Finish oil change
> tomorrow.
>
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
> underneath car.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
> 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
> thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
> in the back yard, along
> with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
> the floor.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step
> 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
> hit Miss December (1992)
> in her overabundant chest.
>
> 35) Beer.
>
> 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
> required to stop blood flow.
>
> 37) Beer.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Dump in 6.2* fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 40) Beer.
>
> 41) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>
> 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during
> step 23.
>
> 44) Beer.
>
> 45) Test drive car.
>
> 46) Get pulled over and subsequently arrested for
> driving under the
> influence.
>
> 47) Car gets impounded.
>
> 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
>
> $50.00 parts
> $25.00 beer
> $75.00 replacement set of jack stands
> $1,000.00 Bail
> $200.00 Impound and towing fee
>
> Total = $1350.00
> Subject: OIL CHANGE!
>
> Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
> 3000 since the last oil
> change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
> properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee.
> Total = $21.00
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for
> $50.00 for oil, filter,
> kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
> Instead of taking it back
> to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
> stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 17mm box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
> on you in process.
>
> 12) Clean up mess.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
> twist off.
>
> 16) Beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
> Finish oil change
> tomorrow.
>
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
> underneath car.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
> 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
> thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
> in the back yard, along
> with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
> the floor.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step
> 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
> hit Miss December (1992)
> in her overabundant chest.
>
> 35) Beer.
>
> 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
> required to stop blood flow.
>
> 37) Beer.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Dump in 6.2* fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 40) Beer.
>
> 41) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>
> 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during
> step 23.
>
> 44) Beer.
>
> 45) Test drive car.
>
> 46) Get pulled over and subsequently arrested for
> driving under the
> influence.
>
> 47) Car gets impounded.
>
> 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
>
> $50.00 parts
> $25.00 beer
> $75.00 replacement set of jack stands
> $1,000.00 Bail
> $200.00 Impound and towing fee
>
> Total = $1350.00